Kane appeals for Panama to be added to England’s Euro 2020 group

Panama's in Europe... right?


Goal-shy England captain Harry Kane has requested that UEFA allow Panama to join England in Group D at Euro 2020, it has emerged.

The soon-to-be-ex-Spurs man – deal with it, Daniel – has looked more like Vincent Janssen than Gary Lineker in his two games at the Euros so far.

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And with England’s talisman desperate to find the back of the net, he has made an emergency request to UEFA that World Cup 2018 whipping boys Panama be dropped into England group ahead of the last 16.

“Harry just needs a goal… against anyone”, a source close to the England camp said this morning.

“He’s been looking for a kickabout since the Scotland game. Given he was banging them in BY ACCIDENT against Panama, it only makes sense to set up a confidence-boosting, mid-tournament kickabout with a gaping defence.”

Kane bagged a hat-trick thanks to two penalties and a fortuitous deflection off a Ruben Loftus-Cheek shot against the Central American minnows.

Another penalty against Colombia in the last-16 and two finishes from a collective distance of four yards against Tunisia in England’s opener saw the striker claim the most underwhelming Golden Boot since Oleg Salenko tied it up with five goals in one game in 1994.

However, three years later, his finishing touch – or any touch at all tbqfh – has deserted him against sides ranked in the top 80 teams in the world for some mysterious reason.

“Harry’s put in the request to UEFA, he’s even offered to fly the Panamanian lads in at his own expense, and he’ll cover their hours off from the butchers, bakery and wherever it is they make candlesticks.”

Harry Kane England Nations League

“It’s worth a try – he could try throwing about a few Rolexes, but all the UEFA lads having 14 of them each from the Qatar world cup bid, so it’s probably a waste of time.”

A kickabout with the CONCACAF side would be a welcome distraction from speculation about the forward’s future too.

He confirmed prior to the tournament that he would like to leave Tottenham this summer but Spurs chief Daniel Levy is yet to acknowledge the demand.

“Levy just goes on like nothing’s happened,” a source said.

“Pep rang him yesterday with an offer of half the City first-team squad, £100m, and his own personal oil well in the desert and he just said ‘sorry, who is this? I’m about to drive under a very long long tunnel, can you call me back on August 31st, around 10pm? Thanks, bye’, before putting through the order for 50,000 new Kane Spurs shirts for the club shop and googling Juande Ramos to see if he needs a job.”


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