A win over Man United on Sunday could see Thomas Tuchel defer his inevitable sacking until January 2022 at the earliest, according to reports.
The German coach has already become a firm favourite of club owner Roman Abramovich thanks to his unbeaten start at Stamford Bridge, with the trigger-happy billionaire yet to demand his teams play more exciting games while also winning every game.
“Roman’s still in the honeymoon phase with ‘Tommy’,” our source said. “And a win over United would leave them well-placed for a Top-4 run. Add the Atletico result, and should get him to Christmas at least.”
“Unless it goes to complete sh*t – Bobby Di Matteo-like.”
The oligarch, 54, has gone through managers like Jurgen Klopp runs through excuses in the 18 years since buying the club on the brink of financial ruin, and a change in 2022 is expected as the manager almost certainly fails to live up to the owner’s increasingly testing demands.
“Winning games is good enough for now,” a club insider explained. “But soon there’ll be questions like, ‘Why aren’t we winning 4-0 every game?’ ‘Why can’t we win playing like this hipster team?’ ‘Sheva could still do a job for us upfront, couldn’t he? ‘Is there anything to be said for kidnapping Messi and playing a grizzly bear at centre-half?’”
“The interference gets too much for managers and eventually they defy him once too often and get sacked.”
And pressure could pile on the former Dortmund coach this summer if the owner raids his old club for budding superstar striker Erling Haaland.
According to reports, Abramovich is willing to do what it takes to get the Norwegian goal-scoring sensation, even offering his newly-minted yacht – worth in the region of £430m – in exchange.
“Unwanted gift. Hardly used. Comes from a pet-free home,” was the note attached to the offer sent to the German club, who are said to be considering the unusual approach.
“They think they can pair the boat up with Jadon Sancho and shift it on to Man United for a huge fee as it turns faster than Harry Maguire.”
Such a signing would definitely bring many Chelsea fans who were critical of the firing of Blues legend Frank Lampard back onside with the owner.
And further efforts are being made by the club’s “Fan Engagement Department” to do the same, as they have produced an exclusive video for fans titled “Chelsea’s Glory Years: 1905-2003”, designed to act as a reminder of just how f**king lucky they are to have their owner’s billions backing the team.
The clip, which clocks in at just under two minutes, features newsreel footage of their sole league title win prior to the Russian’s arrival it being so long ago that television coverage didn’t exist, as well as that time 50 years ago when they won a team mud-wrestling match against Leeds to lift the FA Cup.
It also includes clips from their two triumphs in the Cup Winners Cup, the second of which led to UEFA’s decision to end the competition out of pure f**king embarrassment.
“It’s meant to be a celebration – and a warning,” our source explained. “He’s saying: ‘Remember when Robert Fleck was your best striker? He could be again if I pull the plug.’”
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