We’ve all been waiting and now the time has finally come. Lo and behold, after 22 years in charge, Arsene Wenger has officially announced his resignation from Arsenal Football Club.
Having held down the same position for over two decades, you’d imagine that finding new ways to fill the time and break up your schedule would be a tricky task.
Fortunately for Wenger, he isn’t alone. No, naturally, we’ve roped ourselves in to help out.
Here’s how the aged Frenchman could spend his time best and a few tips for handling the long old days. We know you’re reading, Arsene.
1) Get a paper round
Wasn’t this the universal mother’s advice dished out to sulking teenagers having left school? With all that time on our hands over summer, most of us were corralled into one arbitrary job or the next in between nicking fags and poncing off Dad’s six-packs.
Perhaps instead Mr Wenger would sooner turn his hand to the neighbour’s garden; the fall-back plan for those with a gap in their CV?
2) Down the allotment
Talking of gardens, this one always seems to be a favourite go-to time waster for the older chap with time on his hands. Arsene could join up with his fellow north London inhabitant Jeremy Corbyn for some green-fingered fun in the sun, cultivating homegrown marrows and aubergines to offload onto friends like those w**nkers down the road giving to your ma til she’s left with half a metric tonne of industrial sized veg at home.
3) Bev sampling on the park benches
Arsene could combine the features of former rivals by matching the beard of Jurgen Klopp with the ruddy complexion of Sir Alex Ferguson to perfect the ultimate daytime boozer image.
Throwing a few tins of Skol or Tyskie into the mix would help the chap in his new pursuit and Wenger’s new role could be that of hurling expletives at unassuming schoolchildren as they innocently skip past on the way to the playground. Livin’ the good life, Arsene.
4) Hanging around the Emirates with a BMX
It’s another classic tip from the school leavers’ corner. Unsure of how to spend the time, kids who’ve left school after several years tend to adopt this textbook tactic.
Waiting for their mates, they stand – BMX at a slant and beanie hat firmly pulled on – considering their role as guardian of the school gate to be imperative.
We can picture Wenger doing likewise after matches and training, nudging his unenthusiastic former players, desperate not to say a final farewell.
5) Exacting revenge
Towards the end, a lot of people conspired to unite against Arsene Wenger and drag him from his throne. But no faction of anti-Wenger back stabbers were more guilty than the despicable E-listers of Arsenal Fan TV.
Their mind-numbing narrow mindedness in pursuit of Twitter fame dragged the Frenchman’s name through the mud and back again and undermined the standing of his beloved club over and over. It’s time for revenge.
With time on his hands, Wenger could plot – à la Danny Ocean – the perfect hit and deliver AFTV’s comeuppance with a vengeance. Watch out Robbie, Troopz, Ty et al, Arsene’s coming for you.
6) Finishing the Jose effigy
Juicy rumours are literally on fire regarding this bad boy and we have no doubt you’ve heard them all. Reports suggest that, hidden by tarpaulin and scaffolding in a north London garden, Wenger houses a 54ft artistic pièce de résistance.
The timber superstructure stands proudly over the manager’s house and has only the face left to finish. With time to spare, we reckon Wenger could get chiseling away at Jose’s gristly features until he’s perfected a smug, worn likeness.
Naturally, however, none of those features will matter when the creation goes up in blistering flames to the sound of Arsene’s cackle. Who’s the specialist in failure now, Mou?
7) Getting another job
It’s all well and good us taking the time and effort to draw up an extensive list of Arsene’s future past times, but the 68-year-old might end up ignoring them all and blowing it off for another job in football. Selfish? Yes. Advisable? Probably not.
Wenger leaves an iconic legacy behind him for both Arsenal and the Premier League as a whole. Joining another club with, let’s be honest, only a few more years of battling the demands of management left will leave him with nothing to gain and everything to lose.
It’d be much safer to switch things up for a more conventional pensioner’s career. We can see the gaffer donning the lollipop man’s hi-vis with his usual panache in no time. Just as long as he can work out the zip.