Andy Dawson: Ten things we learned from the football at the weekend

Like us all, one very revealing incident in the Huddersfield Town v Bournemouth game caught the Profanity Swan’s eye…

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We can never unsee the Huddersfield bench penis

We can also now not call the Terriers’ boss David Wanger as a result of all of this. If you don’t know what I’m on about, do yourself a favour and move on to the next item in this piece.

Apologies for the evocative and unnecessary use of the word ‘piece’ as well. Perhaps we’ll now stop seeing those infamous images of Peter Beardsley and Paul Scholes ‘coming loose from their moorings’ as they have been rendered null and void by the ‘Huddersfield Plumb Line’.

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Jose Mourinho was acting all weird

And not in his usual way. The Man United boss praised Newcastle to the hilt after his team had lost at St. James’ Park, although he did slip the word ‘lucky’ in as well – which is his default response after being unexpectedly beaten by an inferior side (see also Bristol City a few weeks ago).

Perhaps it was just an outpouring of relief now that he knows for certain that the league title is out of reach and he can start planning for next season, when he will DEFINITELY STILL BE AT OLD TRAFFORD, OH YES, NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.

Shelvey >>> Pogba

It needs saying. And I’m saying it. The sickening bias against Jonjo can be put to bed once and for all when you compare his performance yesterday against that of the Frenchman who arrogantly chose to play while he was clearly unfit, in an attempt to shame Newcastle’s bald midfield maestro once and for all.

That De Bruyne pass was even sexier than the Huddersfield plumb line

You know, the one for City’s second goal. I’ve watched it about 20 times and I still can’t work out how he did it. For comparison, I’ve only watched the Huddersfield clip 17 times, and I don’t know how he did THAT either.

Arsenal forgot what a derby is

It’s that time of the week when I loudly shout about how dazzling or how wretched Arsenal’s weekend was and this week it’s the turn of the latter. But, it’s good news for Gunners fans because their toothless showing at Wembley means they’re almost certain to tear things up in their next domestic match. Which is… at Wembley… against Manchester City. Oh…

Never leave a match early

As Sunderland fans, with a long history of witnessing brutal batterings on our home patch, myself and my son now have a ‘go home at 3-0’ rule. It seems as though some of our more loyal travelling supporters deployed the same rule before half time at Bristol City on Saturday too, meaning they missed out on a comeback which is (quite rightly) being compared to Liverpool’s Champions League final win of 2005. Hastag Bristanbul and no mistake.

Penalty arguments are spicing up the game

Yet again, a match has been infinitely improved by the sight of a player throwing a wobbler over not getting to take a penalty, only for the resulting pen to be missed. Well done, Jese Rodriguez and Charlie Adam – and if you find yourselves relegated by a point or two, don’t forget that the extra two points that Saturday’s missed spot kick cost you.

Seriously though lads, if you really feel you deserve to take a penalty, do it properly and start brawling over it in the box – the handbags stuff is a bit tame now.

Oh, Sergio Araujo. Oh mate!

Congratulations – you’re the winner of my new, sometimes regular ‘OH MATE’ award for this horror-miss.

Curling is better than football

Don’t even bother leaving a comment suggesting otherwise – if you think there’ll be anything in Chelsea v West Brom that can match the Dutch and the Senegalese skimming beautiful smooth stones (Have you SEEN how smooth they are? You need HD, honestly) down a path of cold, cold ice, then you’re not me.

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What do you think?