Say No to VAR! A Luddite’s Defence of Human Error

Do you fear change? Then you must resist VAR

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Don’t you just hate it when narrow-minded bureaucrats put systems in place in order to ensure that correct decisions are made?

There’s nothing more thrilling than watching an atrocious error of judgement go entirely unpunished, which is why it’s thoroughly disheartening to see several of Europe’s biggest leagues bending the knee to the highfalutin notion of precision.

For the 2017/18 season, Serie A and the Bundesliga will unleash the ghastly spectre of video assistant referees at all league games. Wisely, the continent’s two other largest domestic competitions, the Premier League and La Liga, will not.

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Those nefarious Italians and Germans appear to be under the impression that honest, hard-working football fans have even a remote interest in justice being served. They merit only our scorn and ridicule.

Petty misanthropes such as this want nothing more than to deny decent supporters the opportunity to practice our favourite sporting pastime: blaming all our team’s – and by extension our own – failures on someone else.

How are we supposed to do this when there are people going around insisting we believe trivial and irrelevant things such as “conclusive visual evidence”?

Alas, there seems to be no preventing this crime against abdicating responsibility from going ahead. Apparently, these ne’er-do-wells want to discover if this monstrous beast can actually work, and don’t mind risking abject failure in order to find out.

Good old Blighty, it appears, remains happily behind the times, rightly unwilling to threaten the fragile egos of the Luddite brigade for fear of the chaos and strangulation of debate VAR will unquestionably cause. (What’s slightly surprising is that those pesky Gibraltar-hoggers over in Spain are following suit.)

Oh, of course, some will moan and groan and point out that debate about refereeing decisions is possibly the most tedious and depressing element of the football universe. But, really, what do these people know except an insipid devotion to the concept of unimaginative accuracy?

Thankfully, there are still those who justifiably struggle against this new age of video officiating. A brave and loyal resistance who are aware that, in addition to suppressing healthy discussion, VAR may deprive us of the chance to we-wuz-robbed our way out of a defeat for our team.

After all, if there are no easy excuses for our team losing, doesn’t that mean our team is actually just a bit shit?

As football fans, this is not a reality that we should be forced to accept. I mean, are we supposed to just give up those wonderful, bile-scented nights spent Tweeting hateful abuse of referees?

No sir, that is one concession we simply will not make to the technocrats.

What’s more, this thing doesn’t even work.

It was tried in the Confederations Cup, and was understandably castigated for being a miserable debacle. There is absolutely no truth in the idea that more trial is required in order to perfect the system.

As we all know, the best policy when something new doesn’t run 100% smoothly from the very first nanosecond it comes into effect is to simply abandon the idea for eternity.

VAR is a curse on the Good Football Man, and should be slung permanently into the Vault of Terrible Football Innovations alongside the heinous and unnecessary passback and offside rules. Say no to VAR!

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What do you think?