Andy Dawson: 10 things we learned from FA Cup weekend

The Profanity Swan is here to spare no one’s feelings on the main footballing talking points and events from the FA Cup weekend...


Arsene Wenger etc etc blah blah

Honestly though. How much longer are we going to have to endure the sight of this once-great manager’s tragic demise.

Has he not got any mates who could have a word, get him to pack it in and go on a long holiday?

Sacking Mark Hughes was an act of mercy

Here are some facts. Stoke City are boring. Mark Hughes is boring. Mark Hughes was clearly bored with being in charge at Stoke City. The act of keeping Mark Hughes in charge at Stoke was boredom cubed. He might even have turned the entire club from a solid into a gas.

As a casual observer, I was bored senseless with it all, so I can’t imagine how bad it must have been for actual Potters fans. Now the search for a new boss begins. If they’re going to avoid relegation, they’ll probably need someone… boring.

Sean Dyche likes things done properly

And quite right too. Manchester City won a free kick 25 yards out, and the Burnley boss was dismayed that his side weren’t allowed the usual 45 seconds to carefully line up their wall and defend it. No, the free-flowing jazzballers of Manchester were allowed a bit of quick-thinking which led to a goal. Very much not the proper way of doing things.

Other things that Sean Dyche likes being done properly may include brown sauce on bacon sandwiches and an instant ban for people who drive with earbuds in.

Jonjo Shelvey needs to learn shushing etiquette

Mate, you shush the opposition fans when they’re following one of your big rivals or if you used to play for them and they’ve been giving you stick all afternoon. You don’t do it if they’re supporting League Two’s Luton and you’ve just scored to make it 3-0.

Unless your shush was aimed at the Newcastle supporters, which is even more hilarious.

Conte would batter Mourinho

The trash talking needs to stop and the Chelsea and Manchester United managers need to get into the ring and sort this out like the overgrown man-babies that they both are – with amateurish, flailing violence.

Mind you, Conte has the look of someone who would fare well in a fourth-rate Scorsese rip-off, as a Joe Pesci-type who loses his shit over an overheard remark and ends up driving out to the woods in a panic in order to bury his victim. Mourinho, with his history of half-arsed eye-gouging and hiding in kit hampers, would surely come off worse in the physical tussle we all long to see.

Refs are not bouncers

Truly sickening to see Bobby Madley rushing to get in between Roberto Firminio and Mason Holgate the other night. Let it play itself out and punish them accordingly, Bobby. You’re the enforcer not the peacemaker – and yes, I *DO* seem to have some kind of craving for violence in 2018…

Newport County’s ground is pretty psychedelic

A beautiful sight, and looking as though it had been cobbled together from parts of other old stadiums that had been put up for sale on eBay. Bits of seating, bits of standing, some random old bits of old fence. Not to mention huge gaps behind the goals, and what looks like a couple of 4G masts near the halfway line.

Oh, and a massive greenhouse in the corner. Their 2-1 win over Leeds wasn’t bad to look at either.

A flyaway tooth was the highlight of one match

Watching Shrewsbury and West Ham’s goalless draw was as painful as having a tooth out, and ironically, the sight of one of Josh Cullen’s incisors flying through the air following a boot in the mouth was its best bit.

Seeing Forest win warmed the cockles of fortysomethings everywhere

If you’re of a certain age, you’ll have nothing but sweet, fond childhood memories of Nottingham Forest, Brian Clough and those European Cup wins. Try telling me that you felt no pangs or stirrings during their 4-2 win over Arsenal and I’ll assume that your heart is all shrivelled up like an abandoned turd from the bowels of a Jack Russell.

The Coutinho saga is over

The Brazilian has finally made his move to Barcelona and now Liverpool are being linked with Riyad Mahrez, for a third of the Coutinho fee. That’s Mahrez who’s scored AND created more goals than Coutinho in the past two seasons. Seems reasonable…

What do you think?