Celtic begin preparations for Europa League football ​

Keeping their Thursday nights free, just in case

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There have been reports of unrest at Celtic Park following comments made by a senior club official who, hours ahead of the club’s opening Champions League qualifying match, has spoken about his excitement surrounding Europa League trips to Belarus, Moldova and Latvia, referring to them as “beautiful parts of the world”.

Speaking to local news reporters ahead of their clash with FC Midtjylland, Head of European Excursions, Ally McHoop, has played down the sides chances of qualifying for the Champions League, suggesting Ange Postecoglou’s men have “very little chance” of beating the Danish side, and “absolutely no f*cking hope” of beating either PSV Eindhoven or Galatasaray should they get to the next round.

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“The boys can’t wait to go on a few nice European excursions and explore lands unknown over the coming months. A top priority is to get to places where it’s still less than €1 a pint, the women are beautiful, and nobody truly knows how to pronounce the name of the local town.

“Cities like Milan, Munich and Barcelona have become too common. We are innovators here at Celtic and could not be more excited at the prospect of losing 1-0 against a team who’ve never played football at a European level.

“The sooner we exit the Champions League and the fans are put out of their misery, the sooner we can get on Trip Advisor and start looking up some unknown areas in the arse end of Europe.”

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Following the comments, large parts of the Celtic fanbase are believed to be upset that he has offered a realistic perspective, with one fan telling Paddy Power News that Celtic are a giant in world football, it’s just nobody else realises.

“Forget the Europa League, a club like Celtic should be winning the Champions League, it’s that simple. We’ve won 104 Scottish League titles and often go seven or eight seasons in a row without losing a game or conceding a goal.

“We take 40,000 fans on any away day who will get naked in your parks and jump in your lakes. What other club, aside from Rangers, could do that?”

Another fan confirmed what would happen if Celtic joined the English Premier League “We’d win it, pal”.

Mikael Lustig

And, in a further signal that the club is expecting to have a packed Thursday night schedule in the coming months, head coach Ange Postecoglous has had to cancel plans to teach an Australian For Beginners night class this Autumn at Glasgow’s Institute of Further Education.

The former Socceroos boss was advised by the club to get involved in the local community, and introducing Glaswegians to Australian culture seemed an ideal opportunity, but the club’s focus on an inevitable Europa League appearance has forced a change of plan.

“Aw mate, I’m as snaggly as a dilldong who’s just lost his woopwongle,” he told bemused local reporters following the decision.

“It’s a real kick in the jallawallas, no jollikin’ chook.”

“But it’s like my old grannawaddle used to chukka – sometimes you wakko the blooadang and sometimes the blooadang wakkos you,” as everyone nodded and wondered what the f**k he was talking about.

The club later announced it would provide an interpreter at future press conferences to explain their new coach’s antipodean jibberish.

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