Brace yourselves for silly season! Sky Sports have defrosted Jim White from his bi-annual cryogenic freezing and journalists are ready to stand outside football stadiums fending off purple dildos – that can only mean one thing – the transfer window is officially open!
Almost makes you miss the days of Harry Redknapp leaning out of his car window discussing the signing of Niko Kranjcar for the 400th time.
Anyway, Paddy has rounded up the 10 transfers our traders think are most likely to be done in January.
Honestly, I thought he joined them in 2016. That would be a simpler explanation as to why a player earning £350k per-week hasn’t been seen since Pokémon GO was a thing. The German playmaker has experienced something of a revival (if you can call two reasonable performances a revival) under Mikel Arteta – but he looks destined to join Daniel Sturridge in anonymity in Turkey.
Arsenal supporters will be devastated to see the player that told them to “f*** off” leave the club in January, but our traders think he’s a cert to join Jurgen Klinsmann at Hertha Berlin. No longer will fans be able to enjoy the Switzerland international slamming 30-yarders into orbit or pole-axe his fifth victim of the afternoon under the referee’s nose. Shame.
Now we’re talking. A player who we haven’t seen in the Premier League before and therefore can’t be considered a twat. A rarity in the modern age. The Borussia Dortmund star looks the real deal having scored 26 goals and provided 36 assists in 79 games for the German club and Chelsea are 6/4 favourites to lure him to Stamford Bridge.
We’re certain Ed Woodward is already trying to figure out how to get ripped off on this deal. The Manchester United chief has the grace and guile of a reversing dump truck when it comes to completing transfers.
At least he’s got the right man in his sights. The Leicester star is 6/4 to arrive at Old Trafford in the January transfer window and shouldn’t find it difficult to dislodge young, up-and-comer Jesse Lingard from the starting XI.
Wilfried Zaha is a 7/4 shot to join Jose Mourinho at Tottenham. The Portuguese manager evidently views Wilf as the natural successor to Danny Rose at left-back. Steve Parish and the rest of the Crystal Palace board will be eagerly awaiting Zaha’s annual transfer request before swiftly rejecting it.
About as popular as herpes around the Bernabeu – they’ll be dancing in the streets of Madrid if Zinedine Zidane can finally get the top-knotted winger off the books. Jose Mourinho simply can’t wait to discipline the 30-year-old when he cracks out the ‘Wales. Golf. Spurs. In that order’ flag two weeks after his arrival.
It’s a scientific fact that anyone with a name like Fabián Ruiz Peña has to cost £100million or more. But that’s not deterred Real Madrid, who are supposedly ‘monitoring’ the Napoli midfielder before inevitably loaning him out to Elche in four-years time.
Aston Villa are hopeful that Aleksandar Mitrovic’s love of Championship football will see them secure his signature in January. Dean Smith’s relegation-threatened side are staring down the barrel of immediate relegation and hope that Mitrovic will join them for the ride.
Once promoted, Fulham will then come knocking for him in the 2020/2021 season on their way down and the never-ending cycle will continue like Groundhog Day.
Having swiftly realised he could win the French Ligue 1 blindfolded and without the use of his left leg – Neymar fancies a return to Barcelona. Unhappy with being outshone by Kylian Mbappe and hated by supporters, Neymar wants back to the Nou Camp where he feels more comfortable being outshone by Lionel Messi and hated by supporters.
Donny van Beek to Real Madrid @ 11/4
He scored against Tottenham and he shares a name with a character from The Big Lebowski – so thumbs up from me. The Ajax star saw his bezzies Matthijs de Ligt and Frenkie de Jong leave the club last summer and doesn’t fancy carpooling with Daley Blind by himself anymore.