Ahead of their Europa Conference League final this week, West Ham supporters have been left confused at the sight of free agent Jesse Lingard eating pie and mash with Danny Dyer ahead of boarding a flight to Prague.
Despite turning down the Hammers for a more lucrative deal with Forest last summer, rumours circulating suggest Lingard is now working as a part-time chimney sweep determined to prove he bleeds claret in a hope David Moyes forgives him and offers him a contract.
“He was wearing a flat cap acting like a right cocky geezer walking through London City Airport earlier this morning, he reminded me of a B-Tech Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins,” said an onlooker.
“After smashing down pie, mash and what appeared to be a load of green slime on top, he tipped a bucket of jellied eels over his head, grabbed his buddies Danny Dyer, Russell Brand and Phil Mitchell and headed for their private jet, chanting ‘everywhere we go’ at the top of his voice in a ridiculous fake cockney accent,” continued the onlooker.
And with the 30-year-old currently out of contract, Paddy Power News understands there is growing confidence within his camp that he will join West Ham on a four year deal this summer, as he claims to hold the key to Declan Rice remaining at the club.
“Jesse knows he can convince Declan to stay, but he is only willing to do it if Moyes gives him a big contract. Once signed, he will then unleash the charm offensive on former BFF, Dec,” said a friend of the former United star.
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“The challenge he faces now is Moyes has blocked him on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and WhatsApp, so he doesn’t have any real way of communicating with him. He did mention to us that he might try and climb into Moyes’ house by going down the chimney, being as he has experience in that line of work now, but this all remains to be seen.”
Should West Ham win their biggest game in recent history, it is understood that it will be free drinks all night back at the Queen Vic for the entire squad.
*Paddy Power’s football coverage is 100% fake news. Honest.
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