Leading football analysts have today linked a rise in Newcastle United shirt sales to Chelsea making an approach for Maxwel Cornet from relegated Burnley.
After several retail outlets reported the Newcastle home jersey has sold more units in one morning than everything else combined in the entire history of the club, experts were brought in to crunch numbers and obtain some key insights.
The three most prominent conclusions were found to be:
- 100% of the Newcastle tops were purchased in West London
- 100% of the sales were made within two hours of the Cornet transfer news breaking across Twitter
- Google searches of “what does Newcastle Brown Ale taste like?” reached record highs during this time frame
“We appreciate these fans have supported Chelsea for as long as 19 years through the great times and winning everything there is to win, but in their minds they have done all they can and now is the time to move on,” confirmed a source within the Football Analytics Association.
“Naturally, with the money having dried up and the big names not wanting to play for Chelsea any longer, it was always going to be a matter of time before the fans switched allegiance to the club with the richest owner. It is of course how they came to support Chelsea in the first place so they cannot really be judged for it.
“We saw similar trends in 2008 when Chelsea lost a large chunk of their fanbase to Manchester City, and again in 2011 when a few started to support PSG, although a large volume did stay loyal as there was enough money in the club’s bank to continue to spend big and win trophies.
“It was actually very amusing to see Londoners attempt to speak with Manc and French accents claiming they were not just there for the cash and had been lifelong fans of those clubs, so this new surge of Chelsea-turn-Newcastle fan will be delightful to witness, as that Geordie accent is potent.”
“Cornet is a fantastic player, head and shoulders above his current teammates, and fits the profile of the type of player we want at Chelsea going forward,” said a Chelsea spokesperson to Paddy Power News.
“Long gone are the days of bringing in players like Lukaku for over £100m, we now shop in the Football League and have entered an era where we need to sell our assets and search through the lower divisions for a diamond in the rough.
“Look at Jamie Vardy? He went from pub football to title winner so we know it can be done on the cheap. Our scouts will be at a lot of National League South games next season hunting for that next rags-to-well…rags footballer. Although, we cannot justify the petrol expense when it comes to sending scouts to National League North games.
“We have also applied to have the capacity of Stamford Bridge reduced by 30,000 meaning Cornet and any other new signing will be able to play in front of a packed 11,000 each week.”
*Paddy Power’s breaking football news coverage is 100% fake news*
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