Eoin Morgan Retires: England’s desperate search for another Irish cricketer begins ​

So, England need a new captain...


English cricket chiefs have been sent into panic by the reports that one-day international and T20 captain Eoin Morgan is set to retire, Paddy Power News understands.

Batsman Jos Buttler is expected to step into Morgan’s shoes temporarily until the ECB can find someone sufficiently Irish to replace him.


“Jos is top lad but he just lacks that essential element of not-being-English that makes a great England captain.”

“And a ‘h’ in his first name, obviously – that extra ‘t’ in Buttler isn’t making up for it.”

Though the summer game’s powerbrokers have already convened to begin their search for an Irishman to replace the departing Morgan permanently.

“The lads were straight down to The Porterhouse when they heard and asked the barman if he fancies the gig,” we were told.

“He’s expected to decline the offer as he has to work a split shift every Saturday, but they have a few back-up plans in place if he can’t get a rota change.”

Indeed, the ECB are set to launch a high-profile campaign to find an Irish person capable of taking over the team with a unique test of their Gaelic mettle.

“We’re going to invite everyone in London to attempt to pour a pint of Guinness properly – the first person to do it will be immediately offered the job,” a source told us.

However, given the difficulties many experience getting a decent pint of the black stuff in the UK, other avenues are also being explored in the search.

“ECB head office have already ordered a random selection of GAA shirts – they’ll wear them around the city and Irish lads won’t be able to resist talking about Tayto, Uncle Joey memes and the time they left the immersion on all night.”

“It’ll be a matter of time before one of them agrees to captain the team,” they said

Meanwhile, the Irish cricket team have deleted all social media accounts and gone into hiding following the news.

A statement from the governing board explained how members of the panel had been barraged on social media with unsolicited requests from random accounts.

“‘Hello, I’m new in town and want to make new friends on Twitter. If you also want to find new friends on the England cricket team, please contact me at the ECB, I look forward to communicating with you,’ is not the kind of message anyone wants to receive thousands of times a day in their DMs,” a spokesman said.

“We’d suggest England try appointing an English captain and stop spamming our lads online.”

*Paddy Power’s breaking football news coverage is 100% fake news*

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