The Glazer family have hired the services of rogue Wall Street trader Jordan Belfort as Manchester United’s share price continues to drop on the New York Stock Exchange.
Following the collapse of the European Super League and the resignation of executive vice-chairman Ed Woodward, United’s stock went down like Dan James in the opposition penalty area.
Fearful their dividends could be impacted, United’s owners have turned to disgraced stockbroker Belfort in a bid to rescue the situation.
Belfort arrived at Carrington this morning in a helicopter which he insisted upon flying himself.
‘It’s an honour to be a part of the team at Manchester Red Sox’, the 58-year-old told Paddy Power News.
‘I’m looking forward to utilising my tried-and-trusted ‘pump and dump’ type of stock sales as we look to finish this semester top of the rankings’.
‘Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve some investors to rip-off’, he said while rummaging through a polly pocket filled with Quaaludes.
Meanwhile, to honour the arrival of Belfort, the Glazers have taken the decision the rename Sir Matt Busby Way as ‘Wolf of Wall Street Way’.
‘This is just a small token of our appreciation’, said Joel Glazer while unveiling the new street sign.
‘We’ve also taken the opportunity to rename the Stretford End as ‘The Glazer Shack’. A move we believe the fans will wholeheartedly support’.
However, not everyone at Old Trafford was as enthused by the arrival of Belfort as the Glazers.
Outgoing executive vice-chairman Ed Woodward is reportedly unhappy at being ousted to make way for the American stockbroker.
Paddy Power News understands Woodward held an impromptu meeting with United’s office staff during which he signalled his intention to remain at the club.
‘I’m not f**king leaving’, Woodward screamed at ecstatic staff.
‘This is my home! They’re gonna need a f**king wrecking ball to take me out of here!’, he added to rapturous applause.
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