Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has granted England cricketer Jonny Bairstow permission to kick Aussie wicketkeeper Alex Carey ‘up the a*se’ using an oversized boot, it has emerged.
Carey’s controversial stumping of Bairstow in the Ashes Test at Lords led to a breakdown in diplomatic relations between the nations.
LONDON, ENGLAND – JULY 02: Jonny Bairstow of England leaves the field after being run out by Alex Carey of Australia during Day Five of the LV= Insurance Ashes 2nd Test match between England and Australia at Lord’s Cricket Ground on July 02, 2023 in London, England. (Photo by Gareth Copley/Getty Images)
The situation reached crisis point when UK Prime Minister Rishi Sunak threatened to ban Australian soaps such as Neighbours from being screened in UK homes unless counterpart Albanese publicly apologized for the incident.
An Australian delegation including Crocodile Dundee actor Paul Hogan, Kylie Minogue and Bouncer the dog arrived at 10 Downing Street for peace talks this morning, during which the a*se kicking was first mooted.
After hours of ironing out the finer details, it was finally agreed that Bairstow would be allowed to kick Carey up the arse with a giant boot before Thursday’s third Test at Headingley.
‘Booting is one of Australia’s proudest traditions’, Kylie Minogue told Paddy Power News.
‘For centuries, we Aussies have settled all manner of disputes with a good old-fashioned boot up the a*se’.
‘It’s an open secret that Novak Djokovic was offered a booting to be allowed to play in the 2022 Australian Open but he refused’.
When asked if Carey would copy Djokovic and refuse to be kicked up the arse, Minogue replied:
‘No Aussie would ever refuse a booting’.
‘Disparaging the boot is a bootable offence’.
The diminutive pop singer even admitted to being booted herself back in 2000.
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‘It was shortly after the Spinning Around music video came out. You know the one where I’m showing off my a*se in the gold hotpants?’
‘I topped a poll of the most bootable a*se in Australia’.
‘It was such an honour. They even brought in Kevin Muscat to perform the booting’.
*Paddy Power’s football coverage is 100% fake news. Honest.
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