Following the release of the Premier League fixtures for the 2023/24 season, Paddy Power News can reveal that Man City are the champions once again – at least according to a billion dollar super computer.
In a development that has computer scientists across the globe fretting about potentially unleashing a force that may destroy humankind, the artificial intelligence bot ChatSHT has used its thousands of terabytes of power to predict what everyone already knows.
However, the creators of ChatSHT claim their creation is leagues ahead in terms of its accuracy and the detail it can provide of how the Premier League season will play out.
“Our super computer processes gigabytes of data faster than a teenager closes the incognito tab when his mum walks in,” chief developer Dr. Tal Kinballs explained.
“For example, not only does our AI platform predict Man City will their sixth title in seven seasons, but also that their star striker Erling Haaland will score, and I quote, ‘lots of goals’ as they cruise past the 90 point mark.”
When pushed for a specific number, the ChatSHT bot eventually said: “Oh, at least 20. In all competitions. If he stays fit.
“And so long as he doesn’t p*ss in Pep’s kitchen sink at the Christmas party like Cancelo.”
And the high-powered number-crunching algorithm didn’t just limit its predictions to the title race.
“I can say with 99.99999% accuracy that three of Arsenal, Man United, Newcastle, Liverpool, Tottenham, Brighton and Chelsea will make the top 4.
“And I wouldn’t rule out Villa either – Emery has them playing some great stuff.”
The bot has also made several other daring predictions for the new season.
“I can confidently say that ‘Martin Tyler’ will trend on social media platforms in the hours after several Liverpool games, Spurs will be very Spursy at some point, and Norwich City scarves will plummet in value in the greater Manchester area once Qatar takes over United.”
When asked for predictions about the other end of the table, the powerful computing program was less confident.
“Bit of a lottery mate, innit? Who’s gone up? Luton, Burnley, Sheffield United? Yeah, they’ll do.”
Attempts to question Dr Kinballs as to whether he’d just fed a load of old Soccer Saturday transcripts into his AI model were met by the sound of laughter and on the phone and what sounded like the lapping of the tide against a Caribbean beach.
*Paddy Power’s football coverage is 100% fake news. Honest.
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