New De Gea Man United contract ‘got jammed in dodgy fax machine’

It's happened again


Manchester United are blaming goalkeeper David De Gea’s Old Trafford exit on the same dodgy fax machine which scuppered the Spaniard’s dream move to Real Madrid 8-years ago.

Club officials claim they tried to offer their long-serving No1 a contract extension, but it got jammed in the unreliable old office appliance.

Despite the best efforts of United’s office staff, the fax machine could not be repaired before the 32-year-old’s current deal expired.

‘We tried troubleshooters. We tried turning it off and on. Sue in accounts even gave it a good whack. But nothing worked’, CEO Richard Arnold told Paddy Power News.

‘The club did everything it could to resolve David’s future’.

‘Except make a decision in a timely, dignified and respectful manner’.

With De Gea a free agent and Dean Henderson locking himself inside a City Ground toilet cubicle, United find themselves without a first-choice goalkeeper heading into the new season.

However, Arnold is remaining calm about situation.

‘I don’t even know who owns the f**king club, mate. I haven’t got time to worry about who the bloody goalkeeper is.’

Meanwhile, the Glazer family are still understood to be keen to offer De Gea a new deal, so the club can announce him as their first signing of the summer.

‘Never mind Kane, Rice and those other guys our PR team link us with even though we’ve no intention of signing them’, Joel Glazer told Paddy Power News.

‘United Twitter will blow up when the fans see David playing the piano in his announcement video’.

In related news, Mason Mount has said goodbye to himself in the Chelsea changing room mirror after he became the last remaining player to be sold by the Stamford Bridge outfit.

The 24-year-old bid an emotional farewell to his own reflection before turning the light off and exiting the building.

Mount was unable to join the rest of his former Chelsea teammates in Saudi Arabia after it emerged that Frank Lampard hid his passport.

*Paddy Power’s football coverage is 100% fake news. Honest.

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