It’s that time of year again when you get lured into thinking for a matter of minutes that you might be interested in golf.
But, after the novelty value of watching men getting really angry at a tiny white ball they twat around the course wears off, you’re left with the dawning realisation that golf is, at its heart, terribly, mind-numbingly boring.
However, it doesn’t have to be this way. All the elements are there – big sticks, carts, bunkers, alligators – they just need to learn to properly embrace them.
Here are some simple ways that golf’s powers-that-be could liven up The Masters for people who can’t say “bogey” without smirking.
End the code of silence
While the respectful silence that descends before each drive and putt is all very well and good, wouldn’t it be a lot more fun if distractions weren’t just allowed but encouraged?
Surely when you’re forced to go around 18 holes with another golfer you’re internally willing them to blast their tee shot into the woods or drag their five-inch putt wide, so why not let them vocalise that?
The whole sport would be much fun if golfers spent the whole round thinking up novel ways of putting each other off, whether that’s a well-timed fart seconds before the club makes contact with the ball, or feigning a heart attack on the green.
While we’re at it, why not have the spectators get involved? It’s time golf had its own culture of chants, jeers and heckles culminating in a rousing chorus of ‘how wide do you want the hole?’ as a despondent runner-up botches a putt for glory on the 18th.
— Paddy Power (@paddypower) April 10, 2019
Playing for time
Instead of counting the number of shots per hole, why not set a clock and see who can get the ball in the hole first? To spice things up, any golfer still out on a hole after a set amount of time should be disqualified.
This would certainly speed up the play but would also come with the added benefit of getting to watch some of sport’s less athletic looking athletes desperately trying to scale a bunker.
Of course the golfers still have access to carts, so it would be a cross between a motor sport and track and field – maybe some pioneers may even be able to hit their shots while on board the cart?
Golf has always been missing a trick by refusing to allow even the most moderate of body contact.
You arm a group of golfers with a whole arsenal of potentially lethal weapons but then insist that they can only use them to hit the ball – what a waste.
Surely it’d be much more fun to see a golfer try and hit a shot from the fairway while his rival hacks at his shins with a sand wedge?
From the jaws of victory
Alligators are a pretty common site on golf courses in the southern USA, but golf just isn’t taking advantage of that.
Rather than try and limit the number of alligators prowling the greens, the organisers should be making a feature of them and unleashing them at inopportune moments.
It’s only when an angry 10-foot alligator is closing in on a golfer as he lines up a crucial putt that you get to see what they are really made of.
Plus it keeps the race exciting right until the very end to know that a golfer can be seven strokes ahead of the pack only to make one slip up and get devoured whole.
A funny old game
Golf is okay, but it’s no Crazy Golf. Who is to say which of the completely independent sports inspired which, but golf could certainly learn something from its less lucrative sister sport.
Pristine, manicured lawns are great but who wouldn’t want to see some of the world’s greatest golfers faced with a windmill, a tunnel, a loop and some pissed up guys on a stag do?
At least they could try introducing a Crazy Golf hole as a bonus 19th hole at The Masters and have the players ditch their caddies and clubs after the 18th, down a six-pack of beer and then take on the real test – trying to thread the ball between the legs of a clown while bored 11 year olds take the piss out of them.