The news that Arsenal are set to make 55 members of staff redundant has stunned fans and upset the playing staff at the Emirates, but it has earned majority shareholder Stan Kroenke one new admirer at least.
Maniacal billionaire Charles Montgomery Burns has reportedly been so impressed by the meaner-than-Scrooge-like actions of fellow billionaire Kroenke, 73, that he is planning to celebrate the Arsenal owner in a number of ways in the coming months.
Mr Burns, who famously tried to block out the sun, and is well-known to authorities for stealing dogs as well as candy from babies (or attempting to, anyway), was “staggered” by the ambition of the Gooners chiefs in making the pandemic an opportunity to fire almost 10% of the club’s employees when the club’s sole shareholder is estimated to be worth over $8billion.
The ancient Springfield magnate was reported to have muttered “excellent” when news of the cuts arrived via stock market ticker yesterday afternoon by a source very close to the infamously evil b*stard who, nonetheless, stressed that the energy tycoon “isn’t so bad when you get to know him.”
And, in an announcement forwarded to his employees this morning, Burns outlined plans to celebrate the tight-fisted act.
“While I have strived for centuries to be as miserly and mean-spirited as possible, it had not occurred to me that the current crisis could be used to make things even worse for people. As such, I wish to pay tribute to the efforts of Stan Kroenke to make the world a more miserable place.”
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“To acknowledge the work of the Arsenal hierarchy in this regard I will commission a statue of Mr Kroenke and place it outside the gates of my Springfield power plant, with a surcharge on its staffs’ wages applied to finance the construction.”
“Any remaining funds will be directed towards a grand Halloween ball for other wealthy local dignitaries, where I shall dress as Mr Kroenke as an acknowledgement of him somehow being even nastier than myself.”
Further, he also plans to attempt to one-up the Gooners and their “streamlining” boss.
“In addition to the above, I have begun moves to redirect staff pension funds for the coming months towards an initiative to close down animal rescues around the world by euthanising every dog, cat and cutesy-wootsy fluffy bunny we can find.”
“Starting with the baby ones.”
“Finally, I have contracted a production company to devise a television format where the inane, jabbering brainless bodybuilders and wannabe WAGs fills hour upon hour of broadcasting hell, though I’m getting reports over the wireless that ITV may have beaten me to that particular malevolent masterstroke already.”
Burns expects to see an upsurge in his ranking among the most loathed figures on the planet as a result of these endeavours, but draws a line at cutting staff numbers.
“We already run a tight ship, and, unlike Arsenal’s defence, a meltdown here would have very serious consequences for everyone involved,” he’s reported to have said while plotting how to interfere with Santa’s sleigh this Christmas so it crashes into the middle of the Atlantic.