The English Football Association have ruled that Liverpool will play their next game with Everton blindfolded. The decision follows Liverpool’s latest triumph over their Merseyside rivals during which they fielded a team with an average age of 13.
The result means Everton have not tasted victory in a Merseyside derby since the Chilean miners were rescued in 2010. However, in order to ensure the next meeting between the pair is competitive, English football’s governing body has decided to intervene.
‘After watching Everton lose to Liverpool under 14s yesterday, the FA have decided to act’, announced chairman Greg Clarke. ‘And so, to give The Toffees a sporting chance in the next contest between the two sides, all Liverpool players will be blindfolded’.
‘Everton will also be permitted to take to the field with their full match day squad of 18 players’, added the 62-year-old.
There was much rejoicing at Goodison Park, with chairman Bill Kenwright also letting slip that Everton will be allowed to select their own referee for the game.
‘We’ve drawn up a shortlist of 5 so far’, beamed a jubilant Kenwright. ‘It’s between Neville Southall, Tim Cahill, Joe Royle, David Unsworth and Dave Watson’, confirmed the 74-yr-old.
Meanwhile, Liverpool have written to the FA to complain that the restrictions imposed upon their team are not severe enough.
The Anfield outfit feel that even a blindfolding may not be enough to catapult their beleaguered neighbours to the required levels of competitiveness.
As a result, manager Jurgen Klopp has implored the FA to give Everton a 3-0 lead as well.
‘Come on guys, give us a f**king game, eh?’, chuckled the toothy German.
‘We’ll give you a 3 goal head start, we’ll tie Alisson’s hands behind his back – in fact, we’ll even re-sign Rickie Lambert’, he said before erupting into laughter.
The 52-year-old former Dortmund boss also revealed his squad for the next Merseyside derby, which included John Arne Riise’s nan, Jennifer Ellison and the remaining Chuckle Brother.
And even though his side are poised to end their 30-year wait for a league title, the German boss remains cautiously optimistic.
‘We’re running away with it again this year. It remains to be seen how we’ll f**k it up but I’m sure we will, we always do’, sobbed Klopp.