Chelsea captain Cesar Azpilicueta has moved to Atletico Madrid after 11 years in London and has immediately been nicknamed “Jose” by his new teammates.
Azpilicueta, 33, has been referred to as “Dave” since his first season at the club as several teammates could not pronounce the Countdown conundrum-like construction of his name.
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And the full-back’s new colleagues at Atletico Madrid have been left as perplexed as his former Blues pals by his tongue-twisting tag.
“Az-pee-leek-way… ah, f**k this, you’re Jose now,” was reportedly Diego Simeone’s reaction on meeting the Spain international for the first time according to a source.
LONDON, ENGLAND – SEPTEMBER 14: César Azpilicueta of Chelsea during the UEFA Champions League group E match between Chelsea FC and FC Salzburg at Stamford Bridge on September 14, 2022 in London, England. (Photo Visionhaus/Getty Images)
And there is widespread relief among the Atletico squad that their newest addition has been given a more manageable moniker.
“It just defuses a possible problem – between picking dodgy Halloween costumes, gaming and pretending to be Uruguayan, Antoine Griezmann doesn’t have time for five-syllable surnames, does he?” our insider explained.
The La Liga club fought off stiff competition from the 14 biggest clubs in Saudi Arabia for the defender’s signature.
“We wanted to sign him,” confirmed one representative of a club you’ve never heard of, “as well as Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang, Hakim Ziyech, Ruben Loftus-Cheek, Winston Bogarde, Erland Johnsen, Kerry Dixon, Suggs, and any of the pensioners that are still knocking around.”
“But in the end we decided no one wants to watch a player with a name like a Welsh village so we’ll spaff the money on Fred, Allan and Jo instead.”
And there were mixed feelings at Stamford Bridge too following the stalwart’s departure.
“Obviously Dave’s a club legend – Premier League titles, the Champions League, making it through both Mourinho’s second spell and Conte’s reign without suffering a catastrophic psychological trauma, these are all great achievements,” one Chelsea insider said.
“But I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t some relief he’s left – the staff in the megastore for one thing are throwing a party as they’ll never mess up printing his name on shirts any more.”
“Todd Boehly too was pretty keen for him to move on, but that was just because he couldn’t see a place for him in a 4-4-3 formation.”
*Paddy Power’s football coverage is 100% fake news. Honest.
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