UEFA has announced that Celtic will drop into the newly-formed Europa Development League following their humbling exit from the tinpot Conference League at the hands of Bodo/Glimt.
Beaten 5-1 on aggregate by a team that couldn’t play home games until recently because polar bears were hibernating on their pitch, Celtic are set to enter, and swiftly exit, a fourth European competition this season.
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‘The UEFA Development League will offer a pathway to p*ss-poor European football for clubs that aren’t cut out for the Conference League,’ a UEFA spokesman explained between panicked phonecalls to non-Russian fossil fuel companies.
’64 of the continent’s most average sides will compete for a plastic miniature European Cup that until recently acted as a vase in our Swiss HQ boardroom.’
UEFA president Aleksander Ceferin walks past a sign with the UEFA logo after attending a press conference following a meeting of the executive committee at the UEFA headquarters, in Nyon, Switzerland on December 4, 2019. (Photo by Fabrice COFFRINI / AFP) (Photo by FABRICE COFFRINI/AFP via Getty Images)
And a statement from the organisers outlined further details.
‘This new tournament will pit such European footballing luminaries as Swift Hesperange, Paide Linnameeskond, clubs from Iceland with just random letters and numbers in their name, clubs from Iceland on the high street, the Renford Rejects and your da’s five-a-side team if Geoff can get Thursday evenings off from 24-hour garage against one another in the search for the mild satisfaction of knowing that at least they are better than the rest of this sh*te.’
‘And don’t forget – there’s a place in the first preliminary round of next season’s Conference League on offer to the winner!’
‘The competition will commence in a fortnight’s time, with Rod Stewart slated to conduct the draw live on zoom from the back of a snooker hall whenever he sobers up.’
‘The final will be played in a pub carpark sometime in May,’ it concluded.
GLASGOW, SCOTLAND – FEBRUARY 17: Celtic manager, Ange Postecoglou looks on from the side lines at the final whistle during the UEFA Europa Conference League Knockout Round Play-Off Leg One match between Celtic FC and FK Bodoe/Glimt at Celtic Park on February 17, 2022 in Glasgow, Scotland. (Photo by Mark Runnacles/Getty Images)
Celtic chiefs are said to be keen on making the most of this opportunity to right some past European wrongs, as several notable clubs are expected to participate in the inaugural competition.
‘We’re hopeful we can avoid the big boys in the opening round – Lincoln Red Imps, Artmedia Bratislava, Neuchâtel Xamax’ a club source said.
‘Though obviously, we’d be confident of going toe-to-toe with anyone in front of 60,000 at Parkhead.
‘Especially if we’ve lost the first leg by three or four.’
Famed for being the first British side to lift the European Cup in 1967, the Bhoys have the opportunity to make history again as being the first team to have been knocked out of four European competitions in one season.
‘We’ve crashed out of Champions League qualifiers, the Europa League group stage, the Europa Conference knockout round playoffs and can now do the same in the Europa Development League,’ a club source said.
‘It’s a great chance to write another entry in the annals of Celtic lore.’
Meanwhile, cross-city rivals Rangers are set for an open-top bus parade having knocked much-fancied Borussia Dortmund out of the Europa League.
‘Is it the greatest day in Scotland’s history? I think it’s up there,’ said a club source.
‘Hard to choose between this, Bannockburn, and Italy beating England at the Euros,’ they said.
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