Some fake news merchants in the MSM will have you believe that since his sacking as Man United coach in December, Jose Mourinho has found gainful employment as a pundit for the likes of beIN Sports and RT.
But this is not true. The “man” you’ve seen appearing on TV screens chatting sh*te about football matches is an impostor; a highly evolved artificial intelligence robot called The Special Clone.
In reality, Mourinho’s been up to plenty of other things away from the prying eyes of Joseph Public. After a super-secret, high-risk undercover investigation, Paddy Power can reveal exactly how the Portuguese has been spending his time…
Running an anti-OGS troll farm under FSB supervision in Murmansk
Jose is a man known for holding grudges. Actually, he’s a man known for nurturing, evolving and generally just making the absolute most of his grudges.
Having departed United by “mutual consent” a week before Christmas, Mourinho realised he needed revenge and immediately flew to Murmansk, a bleak, grim and wintry place located well within the Arctic Circle. And it wasn’t just because Murmansk reflected his personality so accurately – in fact, the Russian city is home to a vast troll farm run and managed by former Chelsea midfielder Alexey Smertin.
Jose rapidly took charge of a specialist wing led by FSB Colonel Dunkanov Kastleski and tasked them with producing hundreds of thousands of Tweets and Instagram posts angrily criticising United’s caretaker-manager Ole Gunnar Solskjaer. #BringBackJose and #OleFraud began to trend worldwide soon after, and Twitter insiders are said to be alarmed at the vicious and cunning nature of the campaign.
Spending long hours motionless and alone in a darkened room
It’s fair to say that Jose Mourinho’s biggest fan is probably Jose Mourinho, but the Rumoured-to-have-previously-been Special One’s self-image has taken a knock over the past year or so. Frankly, he’s become a figure of fun; a dishevelled and unhappy figure wearing a permanent grimace.
Jose realised he needed to reconnect with his inner Jose. Namely, the “perfect Chi” that allowed him to be his true self – a total ar*ehole – while actually winning football matches and perhaps even trophies. After some consultation with New Age philosophers in Goa, Jose elected to find a hermetically sealed room in which to sit for hours without light, sound or any outside interference.
Reflection was the name of the game, with Jose determined to seek inspiration from the source that has always motivated him: darkness.
Managing a Scott McTominay fan-club and composing several volumes of “Macca” fan-fic
Much was made of the esteem in which Jose held the Scottish midfielder during their shared time at United, but Mourinho took it to an entirely new level after leaving Manchester. In January, the “McTom-boys” fan club was founded, with Jose as chairman, treasurer and membership secretary.
Since then, the club has gone from strength to strength, with upwards of seven members signing up so far. Mourinho also established a daily McTominay fan-fic newsletter, delivering high-quality content directly into the inbox of McTomaniacs across the globe.
E-book versions have also been released, and at the time of writing “Some Like It Scott”, “Too Scott To Handle” and “You Have Me To Thank For That Contract” have sold 43 copies in total on Kindle.
Washing dishes to pay off his Lowry Hotel bill
It was a tearful Mourinho that packed his bags and said goodbye to the Lowry Hotel after Ed Woodward gave him the United heave-ho. So fond had he become of the place that he’d gone so far as to get an “LH 4eva” ankle-tattoo made up. The staff knew him by name and always dealt with him respectfully, which was a far cry from how he was received by colleagues and workmates at Old Trafford and Carrington.
“I felt at home there more than anywhere else,” he weeped to journalists off-the-record in February.
Luckily, he was presented with the chance to return after United decided not to fork out the half-a-million quid bill racked up by Jose during his stay there. Lowry management offered him a job washing dishes on weekends, and Mourinho was only too happy to take up the offer in the knowledge it would take a mere 27 years to clear the debt.
So joyful was Jose to be back that when United reversed their decision a short while later, he chose to stay on and work for free for another fortnight.