*Dear Dychey is Paddy Power’s Agony Aunt column. Any apparent resemblance to any figures around football is purely coincidental.
Something weird is going on. I don’t know how, but people are convinced my goals are literally lethal – every time I score some celeb seems to, well, die.
David Bowie, Robin Williams, err, Ken Dodd. I feel like I’m living in an M Night Shyamalan film; I’ve powers I knew nothing about and understand even less.
It’s just a matter of time before Bruce Willis turns up in a poncho to knock my lights out – assuming I don’t get him first.
Well, except some of them are a bit more “Who?” than Who’s Who 2019. Boris Berezovsky? Ray Williams?! And that well-known party-animal Osama bin Laden!
Sure, I’ll take credit for that one, but he’s not the first name I think of when you say fame, is he? Can’t say I read his name too often in the 3 AM Girls.
So what’s going on Dychey? Should I don the superhero underpants, try to focus my unique powers for good – I can think of one celeb Arsenal supporter who’ll be top of the list – and start lashing in the goals, or is this all a load of balls?
Dr Dychey says: Ramsey, I appreciate you getting in touch, such forces are can be a great burden.
A wiser man than myself once said: “With great power comes great responsibility.” Who are we to argue with Spiderman’s uncle? You clearly have an ability that transcends the bounds of human understanding and you must use it wisely.
But, like Alexis Sanchez’s first touch, we can only control so much.
I’m on the record as saying forces control the universe that are way beyond our comprehension. It clearly explains Liverpool’s recent run of dropped points – the wind, the snow, injuries to the other team – Jurgen Klopp knows that these are evidence of forces operating at a higher level than our minds can grasp.
And then there are the planets aligning to allow Jose Mourinho to return to Madrid. Surely a demonic spirit is the only explanation for such a scheme?
The best advice I have for you though is to accept the chaos that your goals unleash. There is little point in worrying about something you can neither understand or control. Even if they don’t take out some Hollywood A-lister, there are a few refs I can think of who I wouldn’t mind them landing on, so I’ll be crossing my fingers on that next time you score.
We might even let you have a hat-trick the next time your at Turf Moor.
I’d everything planned out so well. In an exceptionally clever move, I deliberately got suspended for a game that wasn’t supposed to matter so I’d be clear to step on Achilles tendons with abandon in the Champions League quarter-finals – only for my pitiful so-called team-mates to get spanked by a bunch of Dutch teenagers at home and end my run as European champ.
Worst of all, it completely ruined the scenes we were shooting for my new documentary. It made me look like an idiot! Not that the embarrassment to me is my concern, but for the nation and the people fo Spain to see someone of my stature letdown by his colleagues this way, well, it’s just shameful really.
We shipped out our best scorer last summer and now rely on lad who’d rather be driving down the shooting range than teeing off on some Catalan fancy Dans in El Clasico.
Managers leave faster than Brendan Rodgers at a Celtic Supporters Club meeting.
But this latest humiliation is the final straw.
It’s time someone seized the reins here, laid down the law and ruled the club with an iron fist – someone charismatic, a natural leader, with tonnes of success at the highest levels and a willingness to put their head in where it hurts.
Do you have John Terry’s number by any chance?
Dr Dychey says: Sergio, I thought you might have me in mind for the job for a minute – just have a looked at my LinkedIn profile, it’s comprehensive and up-to-date, including my completion recently of a course on “How to get your finger out when your team looked doomed at Christmas” course – Big Sam had some valuable insights on that one.
Even yourself might be suited to the gig by the sounds of it, though being a player-manager and getting sent off every second week wouldn’t look the best.
I can put the feelers out to JT. I know he’s been looking for the right opportunity, though quite how Villa will survive without his contribution as assistant manager is hard to imagine. They’re already 11th with him on staff.
Though are you sure you need someone like that to take over? Look at United. They’ve brought in a club legend from the obscurity of Norway – his team weren’t even first in the league there! They’re flying since.
Who’s the Rosenberg manager? He must be brilliant!
Though we all know Fergie’s still pulling the strings there. Maybe that’s a sign of what you should do – go back to what’s worked before. If Zizou won’t return there’s only one man for it – Jose’s single and ready to mingle…