Andy Dawson: Just what the hell is the Dubious Goals Panel, eh?

The Profanity Swan has no time for mysteries and he is here to shine a light on one of football’s most secretive societies…


Harry Kane is a parasite. But he’s the good kind, not the kind that will infest and feast on the insides of an innocent animal, leading to malnutrition and its needless death.

No, the Spurs and England striker is the kind of parasite that feasts on goals.

And if he thinks he is entitled to a goal that may not obviously be his, then by jove he will hunt it down. So, he’s also a hunter then, and a parasite. Perhaps they’re both sides of the same coin? Yes, this is going well.

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As you might have seen, Kane is turning his hunting/parasitic antenna in the direction of the Dubious Goals Panel in an attempt to be credited with Tottenham’s second goal from the weekend – he claims that Christain Eriksen’s free kick brushed his shoulder on its way in, later saying, ‘I swear on my daughter’s life that I touched the ball’ as though he actually IS the leader of the Gangs of the EPL from Athletico Mince or something.

But we need to know more about the so-called Dubious Goals Panel, and I’ve been doing some digging into this secretive society.

How did it begin?

It was founded by Sir John Dubious-Goals in 1892, shortly after football was invented.

Sir John was the first man to coin the phrase ‘dubious goal’ which he named after himself after he scored the winner in the traditional Toffs v Plebs match in Oxford while lying drunk and semi-conscious in the mud, the goal gently deflecting in off his arse.

From that day onwards, the phrase was born and Sir John made it his life’s work to research and determine the true ownership of dubious goals, mainly because it was easy and lucrative.

Who is involved in it?

The Dubious Goals Panel is one of the most secretive groups that exists in Britain today, even more secretive than the freemasons, the illuminati or the Silly Society.

I have managed to infiltrate it, but am unable to reveal the names of its members, as I have been threatened with a bloody death if I do.

What I can say is that the 99-man panel includes a bald-headed England goalscoring legend, a one-eyed goalkeeper, a significant figure in the BBC1 series ‘The Apprentice’ and no fewer than TWO former James Bonds. Oh, and Dave Kitson.

How does it work?

Once a month, the members of the panel meet in a clearing in the middle of a forest on the outskirts of Gdansk, in Switzerland.

In order to determine the true scorer of a dubious goal, they are presented with the footage of the goal itself, and spend five hours carefully studying it backwards and forwards from every filmed angle, including seven angles that are never seen on conventional television.

They also receive the actual ball that the goal was scored with, which is then carefully placed into a bubbling cauldron filled with the sweat of the Goalscoring Elders. They then wait, sometimes for up to ten hours for the truth to be revealed. This happens once the match ball has been boiled away to nothing, at which point a thunder crack is heard in the sky and one of the 99 members of the panel suddenly feels a small egg rise up through his oesophagus and into his mouth.

On the egg is written the name of the true scorer of the dubious goal.


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What do you think?