Paddy Power News understands Arsenal could face a fine and points deduction by the Premier League for fielding ineligible players.
The Gunners have conceded just four league goals in 2024 leading to intense scrutiny from opposition managers, and Premier League chiefs have been forced to investigate suggestions that both William Saliba and Gabriel Magalhães were secretly replaced by two enormous brick walls at the beginning on the year.
PORTO, PORTUGAL – FEBRUARY 21: Gabriel Magalhaes of Arsenal FC warms up prior to the UEFA Champions League 2023/24 round of 16 first leg match between FC Porto and Arsenal FC at Estadio do Dragao on February 21, 2024 in Porto, Portugal. (Photo by Jose Manuel Alvarez/Quality Sport Images/Getty Images)
“As if it wasn’t OBVIOUS that overnight their centre-halves had grown 14ft taller, 10ft wider and were as solid as peak Ivan Drago,” said @SkyBlueHoo, a Man City fan account on X.com following the news.
“Everyone could see something dodgy was going on when they made big Erling look like an under-9s player!” they continued.
“Let’s hope the authorities swiftly deal with fines and points deductions for them – but not so swiftly that they ever get around to the 115 charges against us, which are obviously motivated by jealousy and nothing more.
“Success gained BY CHEATING like this could mean LITERALLY TENS of City fans could become disillusioned with the game and may have to reconsider who they support,” they concluded.
Despite Arsenal denying any wrongdoing, those looking into the matter found several receipts from B&Q showing purchases of bricks, cement, a trowel, and a mixer in their Colney training ground, and witnesses have been contacted about some other suspicious activities.
“Yes, I remember a little guy with hair like Action Man claiming to be a builder – he stood the whole time he was queuing two-yards outside the line and spoke with a strong Spanish accent,” a sales assistant in the Islington branch of the hardware store said this afternoon.
“Strangest of all, when we declined to offer him trade discount he ran down the aisle throwing his arms in the air shouting at the shift supervisor…”
Meanwhile, former Spurs striker Harry Kane is said to be “excited” at the prospect of playing against his former North London rivals in the Champions League this wee despite the accusations of underhand tactics.
BREMEN, GERMANY – AUGUST 18: Harry Kane of FC Bayern Muenchen celebrates after scoring his team’s second goal during the Bundesliga match between SV Werder Bremen and FC Bayern München at Wohninvest Weserstadion on August 18, 2023 in Bremen, Germany. (Photo by Boris Streubel/Getty Images)
Despite scoring goals at a rate of once every 20 seconds in the Bundesliga, the ex-Spurs star finds himself no closer to winning any trophy than he ever was with Tottenham, but is keen to prove himself against two large brick walls.
“Move to Bayern Charlie said. You’re guaranteed to win the Bundesliga Charlie said. What a load of rubbish,” friends report the England striker saying in a moment of deep frustration as he tried to find the English channels on his dodgybox.
“I’ve had enough of Bratwurst, beer and sh*te telly, I need to get back to England – but most of all I need to get the hell away from Eric Dier!
“I f**king knew you were in that laundry basket mate! Go practice your accent somewhere else.”
In other points deduction news, according to reports, Everton could be under new ownership as early as May with BBC’s Richard Osman spearheading a takeover.
Both Osman and his Pointless co-host Alexander Armstrong have been thoroughly impressed with the rate Everton lose points and believe it could be a good sponsorship opportunity for their show.
*Paddy Power’s football coverage is pure fantasy – don’t believe it for a second
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