New Spurs boss Ange Postecoglou is understood to have aged 25 years during his first game in charge of the side, despite it only being a pre-season friendly.
According to medical scientists, the Australian manager fell victim of loss of hair density and colour, a wrinkled face, loss of eye sparkle and saw his himself shrivel into an unrecognisable figure, described as a cross between Nuno Espirito Santo and Gollum from Lord of the Rings.
PERTH, AUSTRALIA – JULY 18: Ange Postecoglou, manager of Hotspur looks on during the pre-season friendly match between Tottenham Hotspur and West Ham United at Optus Stadium on July 18, 2023 in Perth, Australia. (Photo by Paul Kane/Getty Images)
“Wow, that didn’t take long” said one leading Scientist who specialises in studying the downfall and degradation of Spurs managers.
“It is a very interesting project to be working on as the trends aren’t always the same. It took over a year before we started seeing cracks in managers like Jose Mourinho and Antonio Conte who both fell to pieces in their own unique ways. Then we had Christian Stellini who took a matter of days to implode.
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“People don’t know an awful lot about Ange, so to see him crumble after one pre-season game defies anything we’ve previously seen and goes beyond the expectations we had on how soul destroying being the Spurs manager must be” continued our ageing expert.
Having lost 3-2 at the hands of Europa League Conference Winners’ and London’s most successful club in 2023, West Ham, one Spurs supporter had this to say to Paddy Power News.
“Of course, Postecoglou will be feeling the stress already, he came from winning the treble with Celtic which he probably done with his eyes shut and drunk most weeks to Tottenham where it’s like Groundhog Day with us stuck in a never-ending loop of being football’s laughing stock.”
Whilst scientists will continue to monitor the physical attributes of Postecoglou over the early weeks of the new Premier League season, the same negative focus cannot be found at West Ham, with boss David Moyes still high from European success and being £105m richer after the sale of Declan Rice.
A source close to West Ham was on hand to address the Kylian Mbappe rumours after the 3-2 victory over Spurs.
“Kylian hasn’t won the Champions League with PSG, and winning in Europe is a bit of a speciality for West Ham, so it’s only normal for him to consider joining a club likes ours” said the source.
“With the Rice money in the bank we know we could make a serious bid, so all the signs are positive that Mbappe will be playing alongside Danny Ings and Michail Antonio next season. Name a more terrifying front line than that?”
*Paddy Power’s breaking news coverage is 100% nonsense, but you knew that already… didn’t you?
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