Breaking News: Ashley Young declared World Heritage Site by UN

Few years at Everton should take him up to the statutory retirement age


The United Nations has officially recognized the longevity of Ashley Young top flight career by adding him to its official list of World Heritage Sites, Paddy Power News understands.

Joining a rollcall of ancient landmarks that include Stonehenge, Machu Picchu and the Great Wall of China, Young, 57, has played a game in every season of English football wince 1987 – apart from one where he went to Inter as part of a Man United job lot of duds.

Ashley Cole Inter

And now, as he’s set to partake in at least one more with Everton beating newly-promoted Luton Town for his signature – written in spite of developing arthritis in his hands – his resilience has been recognised with the awarding of this unique status.

“It’s great for him, great for the club, great for everyone,” said one Toffees fan on hearing the news.

“Who knows, could see a few more through the turnstiles just to see him – f**k knows no one wants to come here for the football.”

Indeed, there is some optimism among the club’s hierarchy that the number of “tourists” in the ground on Saturdays to see the newly-minted attraction could bring down the decibel level of boos across the season.

“At least we can dump the earplugs,” one director reportedly quipped on hearing the news. However, a 16-man security detail per board member is expected to remain in place for the foreseeable future.

Manager Sean Dyche is also “delighted” with the new addition according to reports.

Sean Dyche

“The gaffer thought Axl Rose would be the most past-it ‘star’ he’d see this summer but, lo and behold, someone at the club had Ashley Young’s number,” a source at the Merseyside club said.

“Though he does bring a huge amount of experience” they explained.

“How many of these lads have played through a polio outbreak? Rationing? A bird sh*tting directly into their mouth?”

“Ashley Young has, and that experience counts for something.

“Especially when Sean Dyche is screaming at you to run through brick walls – literally.

“It’s a cost-cutting measure as part of the Goodison Park demolition process.”

Goodison Park

Indeed, Young is set to be a crucial member of Everton’s desperate scramble for survival in the 2023-24 season – and beyond.

“There is an option to add a further six years to the contract, which will take him up to collecting the state pension,” we were told.

Though they could face stiff opposition from others in keeping the Premier League stalwart on their staff.

“Naturally, it’d be great to have Ashley in the squad in the Championship next season, but we’ve club execs queuing like Taylor Swift fans for the chance to sign him next season already,” a representative from his agency told us.

“He’s booked out til 2032 at least.”

*Paddy Power’s breaking news coverage is 100% nonsense, but you knew that already… didn’t you?

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