Breaking: Sean Dyche to replace Axl Rose as Guns N’ Roses frontman

*clears throat*


US rock band Guns N’ Roses are eyeing up Everton manager Sean Dyche as a replacement for frontman Axl Rose following criticism of their headlining Glastonbury performance.

The ageing rockers have been called contenders for the ‘worst’ headline act ever by some papers with Rose’s vocals being singled out by critics.

After footage emerged of Dyche belting out Guns N’ Roses songs in the Glasto crowd, band members Duff McKagan and Slash decided to ditch long-term lead singer Rose in favour of the former Burnley boss.

‘Axl sounds like Justin Hawkins getting a wedgie with cheese wire’, lead guitarist Slash told Paddy Power News.

‘So, we’ve decided to go a different direction with a new raspier sound. And Sean fits the bill’.

Upon meeting Dyche for the first time, Slash remarked:

‘Duff and I thought he had laryngitis. But Sean told us his voice sounds that way because he gargles gravel and screams ‘kick the f**king thing long’ about 2,000 times per day’.

Discussing the move with Paddy Power News, Dyche told us:

‘People will say I’m inexperienced because my biggest gig was in front of 9 people on karaoke night at the Dog & Duck. And that’s their opinion. They’re entitled to it’.

‘I’m middle-aged, slightly overweight and ginger. Those are all the attributes you need to be lead singer of a band like Guns ‘N Roses’.

‘My aim is to front a band that works, that fights and that wears the skull and top hat badge with pride’.

Asked if he had any concerns about filling the shoes of one of rock’s most colourful frontmen, Dyche said:

‘If I can keep Everton in the Premier League, belting out Welcome To The Jungle to 200,000 tree huggers at Glastonbury will be a piece of p*ss’.

*Paddy Power’s football coverage is 100% fake news. Honest.

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