Breaking: Lance Armstrong set for Man City consultancy role

A match made in heaven

After leaks began to appear on social media this week linking tour de force Lance Armstrong with a media consultancy role at Manchester City, club officials have since confirmed that talks are ongoing.

The Citizens look to have completed the on-pitch element of football in recent weeks and now appear set to equal their cross-city rivals’ treble, they’ve begun to seek improvements off the pitch with a number of key appointments.

Lance Armstrong

And, speaking at a media availability on Monday following their latest Premier League title win, the club detailed that they were indeed interested in obtaining Armstrong’s services, claiming the former cyclist “is guaranteed to have told the truth at least once in his life, which is more than most can boast”.

They continued: “Lance is well-known for landing seven Tour De France titles in his time, which is exactly how many Premier League titles we’ve won under this regime, so it really is a match made in heaven.

“Armstrong brings a wealth of experience and is known to have good relationships with media personalities as high-ranking as Oprah Winfrey.

“We’re still somehow in the shadow of our Manchester rivals, but we feel this appointment really epitomises what we stand for as a club.”

Despite having the wealth of an entire nation behind them, Armstrong is said to be standing firm for a fee that could see him construct a winners’ podium that’s completely hollow on the inside, but he refuted this when queried.

The club are also set to hire a whole host of additional staff members in the offseason in their relentless drive to win.

Well-known supplement-enjoyer Hulk Hogan will come in as Strength and Conditioning Coach, with sources close to the club citing his inspirational mantras and squeaky-clean character as huge pluses for the organisation.

The Etihad Campus is also set to become the new home of New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick who has been described as ‘eagle-eyed’ and ‘willing to go above and beyond to gain an advantage’, including leaking the air out of opponents’ training balls as they warm-up for games. His new post as Chief Opposition Analyst will officially take place midseason as he’s got a totally unrelated holiday booked somewhere near Carrington.

And while the club have clearly shown an interest in branching out into personalities from other sports, the club have shown their commitment to the sport they actually compete in by offering lucrative contracts to both Obafemi Martins and Thierry Henry too.

Martins, 24, will oversee their academy structure and share the secret of eternal youth, while Thierry Henry will interview for multiple positions at once – “as much as he can handle,” a hiring manager suggested – making the most of the juggling skills he showed against the Republic of Ireland in a World Cup playoff that no one is even the slightest bit sore about some 15 years later.

Finally, Man City have also launched a community initiative for season ticket holders at seasons-end, where four lucky fans will get the chance to tackle the first team in a table quiz. There will be light refreshments on-site and the club have confirmed that the questions will be dished out by Charles Ingram of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire fame.

*Paddy Power’s football coverage is 100% fake news. Honest.


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