Manchester United have signed Loris Karius on an emergency loan deal ahead of Sunday’s FA Cup semi-final against Brighton.
Erik Ten Hag made the move following David De Gea’s man-of-the-match performance for Sevilla during United’s Europa League quarter-final second leg defeat at the Ramón Sánchez Pizjuán Stadium.
Karius topped a shortlist of goalkeeping replacements which included former United No1 Massimo Taibi, Colombian sweeper-keeper René ‘El Loco’ Higuita and the Sutton United goalie who ate a pie in the dugout during an FA cup game against Arsenal.
Karius will go straight into United’s squad for Sunday’s FA Cup exit at the hands of Brighton during which former Red Danny Welbeck is expected to play like a prime George Weah.
Asked why he felt the need to sign a replacement goalkeeper, United boss Ten Hag told Paddy Power News:
‘Becausch David is schit’.
‘He ran out to kick the ball with all the confidence of Manuel Neuer but connected like Peter Enckelman’.
‘He’s even dodgier than the fax maschine that stopped his transchfer to Real Madrid’.
Meanwhile, Harry Maguire has addressed rumours he could be replaced in defence by a blind arthritic donkey named Tugboat.
‘I’m still the captain of this football club and I won’t give up my place in the team to a visually impaired little horse without a fight’.
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‘The club have spent a lot of money on Tugboat but if you look at the stats, no one has been a bigger donkey than me’.
In related news, the club have also confirmed that striker Anthony Martial has been put out to pasture following his latest injury.
The Frenchman hobbled off the pitch in the 54th minute of United’s 3-0 defeat after dislocating a nostril hair.
Images on the club’s official Instagram page showed the 27-year-old being led out to a large field by assistant boss Steve McClaren.
A caption read: ‘The club would like to thank Anthony who has been a stalwart of the United treatment room for eight seasons.
‘We wish him all the best in these pastures new’.
*Paddy Power’s football coverage is 100% fake news. Honest.
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