Sean Dyche has promised to bring his unique brand of ‘Brexit Ball’ to Goodison Park if he’s appointed as Everton’s new manager later today.
The 51-year-old is the frontrunner for the job after the Everton board fell asleep during a 12-hour PowerPoint presentation by rival candidate Marcelo Bielsa.
With the Toffees expected to announce Dyche as Frank Lampard’s successor today, the ex-Burnley boss outlined his football philosophy which he describes as Brexit Ball.
‘It’s 4-4-f**king-2, GM Vauxhall, hoof it up to the big man in its purest form’, the former Millwall centre half explained to Paddy Power News.
‘None of your fancy-dan continental Tiki-taka b*ll*cks’.
‘False 9? You’ll need false f**King teeth if you mention that again, mate’.
‘And let’s face it, Brexit and Everton are a match made in heaven. Neither can remain in Europe’.
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When asked if he’d already lined-up his backroom staff, Dyche said:
‘Big Dunc’s coming back from Forest Green to be my assistant. They sacked him for putting a yoghurt pot in the wrong recycling bin. That and the headbutt’.
‘Vinnie Jones and Razor Ruddock would be first coaches and Monk from Mean Machine will take charge of the goalkeeping department’.
Quizzed on who would be overseeing the medical side of things, Dyche snapped:
‘Physios? Are you having a laugh?
‘Double compound fracture of the tibia and fibula? Run it off you tart’.
Meanwhile, Everton Football Club have been nominated for an Oscar in the category of best comedy.
It comes after another hilarious twelve months at Goodison which has culminated in fan protests, a managerial sacking and their prized asset going AWOL from training for the past three days.
When informed of the nomination, Dyche told us:
‘I’ll go up and collect the award on behalf of the club – but if Will Smith were to try and come up and slap me, well, let’s just say that would be the stupidest thing he’s done since Shark Tale’.
*Paddy Power’s breaking news coverage is 110% nonsense
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