New Manchester United boss Erik ten Hag has followed in the footsteps of his Aston Villa counterpart Steven Gerrard and issued his players with a list of do’s – but mainly don’ts – ahead of the new season.
Paddy Power News has been sent a copy of the document which makes for difficult reading for those players who think they’ll be able to have fun whilst under his tutelage.
Among the bizarre rules and regulations in place at Old Trafford this term, ANY player heard taking the p**s out of Assistant Coach Steve McLaren’s ever-receding hairline and silly Anglo-Dutch accent, will be fined two grand and dropped for the following game even if it’s against one of the big six.
And United’s new-look back-four will also have to be on their guard, as the gaffer has slapped a £5,000 fine on any player who undercuts a back pass to goalkeeper David De Gea.
The Spanish shot-stopper will also be able to choose a forfeit, which his unfortunate team-mate will then have 48 hours to complete, with forcing them to watch a compilation of their mistakes from previous seasons soundtracked by Paul Scholes’ sighs and groans on repeat believed to be a front runner, though writing the squad Christmas card to Ralf Rangnick is also an option.
There are also numerous financial penalties for indiscretions, which include:
- £1,000 every time you stumble over the ball in training – Harry Maguire is said to have already negotiated a generous overdraft facility with his bank.
- £500 per word for any social media apologies. Bruno Fernandes’ ghostwriter is said to be “devastated.”
- £2,000 per second spent checking how many followers you’ve gained on social media in the dressing room, which was said to be the final straw in convincing Jesse Lingard to not re-sign with the club.
- £5,000 per gram of ketchup added to any meal while the manager’s not looking.
Further disciplinary measures mean any players hoping to cry off from an away Europa League game in some far-off Eastern European destination will have to provide 20 different signatures confirning they’ve a legitimate excuse for the exemption from travelling. Family members and immediate friends DO NOT count.
Also, any players caught watching catch-ups or boxsets on their phones, laptops or tablets on away trips when they’re meant to be studying the opposition dossiers compiled by staff will be forced to write out, “I will never watch Corrie, Love Island or anything on Netflix ever again gaffer,” two thousand times on the flip chart in the boss’ office.
Those who repeatedly offend will wear clogs for the next seven days – even during matches. “We don’t expect the clogs to make an appreciable difference to the performance of the players,” a source on the coaching team said.
In the unlikely event that Ten Hag is still in post next April we were told by an Old Trafford insider that there will be the one day in the season where the ex-Ajax boss drops his ban on booze.
“Every player will be expected to turn out for the national holiday in Holland, Koningsdag – all playing staff and their partners must wear traditional costume, get s**t faced on Amstel and watch re-runs of MVG’s World Championship wins.”
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“It’s not like you can get away with much else the Dutch are famous for in the UK, so that’ll have to do.”
Finally, any goals scored will be celebrated in the traditional way with a simple handshake. Any player pumping his chest, kissing the badge, pumping his chest and kissing the badge at the same time, will be subbed immediately.
Anthony Martial, we were told, is exempt from this, having already peaked during pre-season.
*Paddy Power’s breaking football news coverage is 100% fake news*
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