A group of Man United supporters have set up a GoFundMe page for Barcelona in a desperate bid to end the Frenkie De Jong transfer saga.
Despite a summer of transfer links to anyone who’s ever kicked a football, the Catalan club claims it cannot afford to pay the Dutch midfielder €17m in wages he agreed to defer during the Covid-19 pandemic.
And with United’s owners refusing to make up the shortfall because ‘that’s our 2023 dividend”, the player won’t accept that he’s destined for the Europa League this September despite his current club accepting a bid a for him.
“Frenkie believes he’s one of the best players in the world, that it’s vital he’s playing at the very top level going into the World Cup, and that he shouldn’t have to switch his Thursday night yoga class to play 08 Bleidivik, RKC Nijmegen, or Rangers,” we were told by a transfer insider.
But he may have to if a group of Red Devils fans meet their goal of raising €17m on GoFundMe page to end the transfer stalemate.
“We just want what’s best for the club and the fans,” spokesman for the Man United Please Pay Exorbitant Transfers and Salaries (MUPPETS) Jez Blackmore said.
“I’ve spent so long refreshing Fabrizio Romano’s timeline waiting for ‘Here we go’ on De Jong I’ve forgotten what my kids’ faces look like.”
“Or even how many kids I have, to be honest – three, four, five, who knows… The only number I care about for now is 17,000,000.”
Other members of the group reported deep feelings of anxiety about leaving the house for fear of going off wifi and potentially missing an end to United’s 2022 edition of the annual transfer sh*tshow.
“Missed Sancho cos I was on the tube – never again,” Jono Kane, another member of the group, said.
While Michael Sealey confirmed he’s taken to sleeping on the sofa to be closer to the router.
“Signal’s sh*te upstairs – plus my missus was going to divorce me if I kept checking my phone in the middle of the night.”
The group has now decided to take matters into their own hands by sourcing €17m from United’s global fanbase, with mixed results.
“So far we’ve raised £17.03 and a Freddo bar,” Blackmore said, shortly before eating the Freddo bar.
“It was around £4,500 early on when you included the bored ape NFT someone donated, but turns out that was completely f**king worthless so we’re pretty much back to square one.”
But the group remains optimistic about the prospect of reaching their goal and forcing the transfer through.
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“We’re sure, as the transfer drags on and more and more people yearn for the sweet release of death over yet another rumour about what’s going to happen with De Jong, United’s global fanbase will reach into their pockets to save Barcelona €17m that could be better spent on a new hairline for Pierre Emerick Aubameyang or a menagerie of helper monkeys to tempt Neymar back to the club.”
Indeed, the Catalan giants already have big plans for the €17m they can’t be arsed paying to De Jong.
“Joan Laporta’s just off the phone with a company that makes the biggest cigars in the world – setting fire to money never smelled so good,” we were told by our La Liga contact.
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