Breaking: Mendes plots Ronaldo Linfield move in Champions League bid

He really is that desperate for Champions League football

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Jorge Mendes has offered the services of his client Cristiano Ronaldo to Irish League outfit Linfield as the Portuguese continues his quest to play Champions League football next season.

The Manchester United striker’s future remains unresolved after crunch talks at Carrington yesterday between Ronaldo’s camp and senior figures at Old Trafford including Sir Alex Ferguson, Les Battersby and club mascot Fred the Red.

Mendes has offered Ronaldo to every top team in Europe but has been knocked back more times than a Wetherspoons shot glass.

However, with Linfield 90 minutes away from reaching the third round of Champions League qualifying after a 1-0 first leg win over Bodø/Glimt, the super-agent flew into Belfast for talks with the Irish League minnows.

‘Cristiano is willing to accept a reduced salary which will be subsidised by packets of Tayto Cheese ‘n Onion crisps’ Mendes told Paddy Power News.

‘We’re currently negotiating a signing-on fee of two hundred Nectar points and a small caramel-coloured loaf of bread known locally as Veda’.

‘To endear himself to the club’s supporters, Cristiano’s trademark ‘Siuuu’ celebration will be replaced by a cry of ‘Yeeoo’.

TOPSHOT – Portugal’s forward Cristiano Ronaldo gives a thumbs up after the Euro 2016 final football match between Portugal and France at the Stade de France in Saint-Denis, north of Paris, on July 10, 2016. / AFP PHOTO / MIGUEL MEDINA (Photo credit should read MIGUEL MEDINA/AFP via Getty Images)

Discussing the proposed dream move, Ronaldo told us:

‘Ever since I was a little boy kicking a ball about the streets of Madeira, I’ve always dreamed of playing for Linfield.’

‘I had posters of Davy Larmour on my bedroom wall and prayed that one day I would score a Boxing Day winner against the Glens at Windsor Park.

‘It gives me goosebumps whenever I think of playing against Dungannon Swifts on a plastic pitch in front of their three hundred fans.’

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Meanwhile, a desperate Frenkie de Jong has resorted to drawing Manchester United a picture as they continue to ignore his Old Trafford transfer stance.

‘They just won’t listen,’ said De Jong while furiously scribbling on a page.

‘Perhaps this sketch of me feeding my feet into a woodchipper along with the caption “this is what I would rather do than join United” will do the trick?’, he added.

*Paddy Power’s breaking football news coverage is 100% fake news*

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