The latest billionaire p*ssing contest has taken an unusual twist as Jeff Bezos, architect of Amazon, has claimed his fellow tech tycoons are too “chicken” to face him in an MMA octagon.
The online retailer extraordinaire has grown tired of pumping millions into documentaries about sh*t football teams – Arsenal, basically – and decided to settle the scores with some mega-rich rivals following the news that Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg are set to face-off in a no-holds-barred UFC fight.
Blue Origin founder Jeff Bezos speaks after receiving the 2019 International Astronautical Federation (IAF) Excellence in Industry Award during the the 70th International Astronautical Congress at the Walter E. Washington Convention Center in Washington, DC on October 22, 2019. (Photo by MANDEL NGAN / AFP) (Photo by MANDEL NGAN/AFP via Getty Images)
Unleashing a barrage of trash talk in a high-production promo video on Instagram, Bezos called out his fellow giants of commerce for ducking a clash with him and instead fighting each other.
“Hey Elon, you might think you’re the king of ‘teh interwebz’ – here’s an idea: invent a time-machine to get some weak online patter from the future, yeah? At least then you wouldn’t sound like a 28-year-old virgin while you publicly humiliate yourself.
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“Just like one of your self-driving cars, you’ve lost your way if you think the Prime Purveyor of Power, the Made-in-China Marauder, the Voice That Makes Millions March – around warehouses – is going to let you claim billionaire bragging rights by beating up the MetaWORSE guy!”
The 59-year-old then burst into an oddly mechanical laugh, his eyes fixed directly on the camera without blinking, before continuing his call out of the South African.
“You see, Elon, while you were arguing on the internet and calling sketches of submarines ‘inventions’, I conquered the world of e-commerce, reshaped the way people shop, and became king of all the content Netflix rejected!”
“Now, I can assure you of the lightning fast delivery speeds of my punches in the octagon too.
“And there’ll be no extra-cost for it – besides the life-altering damage to your face!
“Seriously, my fists are going to rain down on you with the force of a failed SpaceX rocket crashing to earth.”
“So you can call up Bill Gates, Peter Thiel, and the fella who’s not Steve Jobs at Apple, and you can bring your f*cking dinner and all because you’ll need it when I’m finished with you.”
Musk, CEO of Tesla and owner of Twitter, was quick to respond with a tweet: “Jeff, you’re just jealous because you couldn’t launch a spacecraft higher than your hairline.”
And Facebook chief Zuckerberg then weighed in, quipping “Don’t worry, I’m sure Jeff will find a way to repackage this into a reality show for Prime Video.”
However, Bezos’s fellow tech billionaires were said to be “disturbed” by reports that Amazon chief has hired a team of mechanical engineers to replace parts of his human body with fully-functional titanium replicas by way of preparation for the mooted showdown.
“Well, he is all robot on the inside, so this is really just finishing the job,” one source close to the tech chief observed.
Needless to say, Amazon is already flooded with Bezos v Musk branded tat in anticipation of the heavyweight clash.
*Paddy Power’s football coverage is 100% fake news. Honest.
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