Tiger Woods’ celebrated return to the Augusta National course in Georgia is set to be disrupted by the appearance of 90 other golfers for some sort of competition, Paddy Power News understands.
The 15-time major winner, who has not performed for the public at a golf course since a terrifying car accident in February 2021, has now worked his way back to a level of fitness that allows him to walk around and swing a club like yer da – only much better.
And his warm-up displays this week at the old course have been followed by hordes of rich Americans shouting “get in the hole” as older club members look on shaking their heads and count the ticket sales for f**king practice rounds!
Practice rounds!!
However, the carnival-like atmosphere surrounding the 46-year-old is set to come to a sudden halt as some other blokes appear to have turned up to play something called The Masters this week.
“I can’t believe it,” said Tig Buzzcut, one of the whooping meatheads in attendance blared into the ear of our reporter, who was subsequently checked by the on-course medical staff for a ruptured eardrum.
“Who cares about Rory McIlwain, Ron Jahm, Jesper Parsnip or whoever – we’re here to see Tiger! Tiger! Tiger!” he chanted in that characteristically imaginative American style of repeating two-syllable words over and over and over and over again.
The fans’ ire has been prodded by the realisation that the world’s best golfers not named Tiger Woods are also set to play a series of rounds at the course to determine the 2022 Masters champion.
“F**king bulls**t!”, the hundreds gathered around the 18th green roared in unison on Tuesday evening when it was announced that the tournament would tee off as planned on Thursday morning with some no-mark jokers hacking it around.
“Man, they better let Tiger play through or I’ll be so p*ssed I might not shout ‘woo!’ after every single goddamn shot,” said one disgruntled attendee.
“This is what happens with a Democrat in the White House,” another irate patron was overheard saying, while a third said Q predicted John F Kennedy Jr would appear at the first tee on Thursday morning and stop anyone other than Woods from playing.
However, Augusta president Honk “Spanky” McDingleberry III, 93, confirmed that the other 90 golfers would be accorded the same attention and privileges as Mr Woods during the course of the event.
“The Masters tournament acknowledges greatness, but every one of the competitors this week has earned the right to test themselves against the very best at this course – even if the 20 minutes of TV coverage they get over the course of the broadcast each evening as the coverage focuses on every breath of Mr Woods suggests otherwise,” he said.
AUGUSTA, GA – APRIL 08: Tiger Woods of the United States waits on the first tee with caddie Joe LaCava during the final round of the 2018 Masters Tournament at Augusta National Golf Club on April 8, 2018 in Augusta, Georgia. (Photo by Jamie Squire/Getty Images)
Indeed, the tournament broadcaster CBS has confirmed that it will show every minute of each of Woods’ rounds at Augusta in full, with viewers who wish to watch any of the other losers involved able to stream the Amen Corner holes on their website.
And club president McDingleberry also explained how the tournament has evolved over the years to accommodate the changing times and greater interest generated by Mr Woods’ presence.
“I remember when you had to own at least ten acres of land in Orange County before they’d let you into the course here. Anyone trying to sneak in would be lucky to escape with just a nibble from Snappy and her 14 German shepherd pups.
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“Of course, you can’t do that anymore thanks to all the do-gooders…
“Back then you’d pay a nickel for the cabbie to pedal you to the first tee and a dime for a pitcher of homemade lemonade down at the front gates, where you’d be greeted by a…” at which point two men in suits abruptly picked up Mr McDingleberry by the shoulders, carried him away from the microphone and back to his oxygen tent inside the Butler Cabin.
With Woods’ status in the field confirmed on Tuesday evening, millions more viewers around the world are expected to wake up suddenly on Sunday night, google the result and then go to bed having fallen asleep during the final round.
*Paddy Power’s breaking news coverage is 100% fake news, and that’s the truth*
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