International super-villain Dr. Evil has admitted to shining a “giant laser” in the eyes of Mohamed Salah before he missed a crucial penalty during Egypt’s World Cup play-off with Senegal.
Salah blazed his spot-kick over the bar after he was targeted by a laser fired from the moon, meaning Senegal qualified for the 2022 World Cup on penalties with Sadio Mane scoring the winning kick.
Dr. Evil, real name Douglas ‘Dougie’ Powers, claimed responsibility for the attack in a video posted to Instagram earlier today.
“Ladies and gentlemen, it was me that shone that giant frickin ‘las-er”’ in Mo Salah’s face,” revealed the evil genius while forming virtual quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
“Last October I witnessed Salah scored a hat trick against my beloved Manchester United
“The details of why I did it are quite inconsequential.
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“At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Wilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. And last October I witnessed Salah scored a hat trick against my beloved Manchester United at Old Trafford.
“My revenge was to deny him and Egypt the opportunity to play at the World Cup,” he laughed maniacally with his pinky finger on the side of his mouth.
Paddy Power News understands the Egyptian FA reached out to Dr. Evil’s twin brother and arch nemesis, Austin Powers, to track down the criminal mastermind.
However, the British Secret agent was undergoing treatment for an undisclosed infection in a Los Angeles urinary clinic.
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Meanwhile, following accusations that Egyptian players were pelted with rocks and bottles during their warm-up, FIFA have confirmed Will Smith will be given complimentary tickets to future Senegal games.
“Mr Smith has offered his services to maintain crowd control,” a FIFA spokesperson told PP News.
“If any fan steps out of line, Will can open-hand slap the sh*t out of them.”
*Paddy Power’s breaking news coverage is 100% fake news, and that’s the truth – honest*
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