Following David De Gea’s calamitous performance in the FA Cup semi-final, Manchester United have dispatched a fleet of brand new fax machines to clubs across Europe, Paddy Power News can reveal.
Not satisfied with allowing Olivier Giroud’s first-half injury-time opener to squirm under his body and over the line to put Chelsea 1-0 up, the 29-year-old went one better by palming a tame Mason Mount effort into the bottom corner of his net within second of the restart at Wembley, and his Massimo Taibi tribute act has set alarm bells ringing at United.
In a move interpreted by many to signal the end of the Spaniard’s stay at Old Trafford, the Red Devils’ hierarchy are keen to ensure that, should a deal be agreed to sell their number one in the coming months, that technology from the telecommunications stone-age is not to blame for it collapsing this time.
Tapping out a message in Morse code, a club spokesman confirmed that the club has readied over 100 fax-machines for delivery to clubs across France, Italy, Spain and Germany to guard against a repeat performance of De Gea’s Real Madrid transfer farce in 2015.
In a series of dots and dashes, the club’s plan became clear this morning: “We are always striving to improve stop With this in mind we have sought to ensure those we deal with have the necessary communication technology to confirm any deals stop”.
“Joel Glazer confirmed by telegram this morning that we could go ahead with this plan stop.”
While a source within the club – or rather, on top of the club, as they delivered their thoughts via semaphore from the top of the Sir Alex Ferguson Stand – suggested this move was a prelude to De Gea’s likely departure and Dean Henderson’s elevation to Ole Gunnar Solskjaer’s preferred option between the sticks.
“De Gea’s been in a slump for two years,” their arms flailed, on condition of anonymity. The goalkeeper has made a series of high profile blunders in recent seasons.
“Sir Alex made a big call on Jim Leighton back in 1990, and Ole could have to do the same this week for the We…” At which point they had to stop as Cessna Skyhawk pilot mistakenly believed they were being waved in to land on the Old Trafford pitch.
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Meanwhile, Paddy Power News has reached out to several clubs in Spain, via a paper cup tied to some string, to assess levels of interest among potential suitors for the struggling former shot-stopper, though we are yet to hear anything back.
We will, of course, report any developments should any homing pigeons arrive with statements of interest, smoke signals emerge in the shape of a likely transfer fee, or even tea leaves hint at a possible destination for De Gea next season.
And elsewhere. suggestions that former Atletico Madrid goalie has been banned from his local Tesco for dropping too any egg cartons are thought to be wide of the mark.
A statement from a Cheshire branch of the supermarket chain stated: “Rumours circulating on social media have suggested we have banned David De Gea from our store due to him large quantities of eggs in recent years when in our store. This is untrue.”
“He is only banned from the homeware section as the build-up of shattered glass beneath our shelving units was becoming a health hazard and required extensive cleaning by our staff.”