Breaking: Fred the Red claims United player of the year award ​

It's not easy to banter about when the team's gone to sh*te

Fred the Red Manchester United Sir Alex Ferguson

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Fred the Red, Manchester United’s mascot, has won the supporters player of the season award at a ceremony earlier this week.

Paddy Power News can exclusively reveal that Fred (real name unknown) got 65 per-cent of the votes to become the first non-playing member of staff to pick up the prestigious gong.

Fred the Red Manchester United Old Trafford

A spokesperson for IMUSA, the Independent Manchester United Supporters Association, told us that the 35-year-old deserved the award for their “outstanding contribution to the Old Trafford match-day experience in such a terrible campaign.”

“Fred has worked tirelessly to bring a smile to fans’ faces during a difficult campaign” they explained “Although rumours that it was former boss Ole Gunnar Solskjaer donning the outfit for the second part of the season are way off the mark.”

Fred follows in the footsteps Old Trafford legends such as Bobby Charlton, George Best, Denis Law, Eric Cantona, Cristiano Ronaldo and Kleberson, in being voted as the best of the best in the eyes of the Old Trafford faithful.

Cynics will say that the vote is just disgruntled supporters firing another broadside at United’s underachieving squad, but another IMUSA spokesperson was keen to put the record straight.

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“Fred has had a Road to Damascus style renaissance over the past season. For years he was seen as a bit of a joke character who always performed badly in the Mascot Grand National.

“Now he’s tightened up his act, got himself into good shape and has been a credit to the club which is more than can be said for most of those clowns who have pulled on the famous red shirt this season.”

“To be honest, Erik ten Hag could do a lot worse than make him his assistant next year.”

Second place went to Len, who heads up United’s match day stewarding, in recognition of his “Outstanding ability to clear the Stretford End in record time after the Red Devils were getting hammered at home by Liverpool.”

 

Soccer Football – Champions League – Group Stage – Group H – Manchester United v Valencia – Old Trafford, Manchester, Britain – October 2, 2018 General view inside the stadium before the match REUTERS/Phil Noble

“Len has been watching United since the sixties and always left the stadium ten minutes before the end” an old friend told us, “The way he coordinated the Liverpool evacuation was text-book. Half the fans were well on their way back to Surrey by the final whistle.”

Making up the top three was Laura the ball-girl, who had to recover a record number of balls smashed into K-Stand by mis-firing United players over the past nine months.

“Laura’s heat-map has been incredible at certain times this season” an analytics boffin told us.

“She covered more ground retrieving balls against Watford in February than Rafael Varane has managed in the entire campaign.”

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