Manchester United manager Ole Gunnar Solskjaer has said he’s confident all the bullsh*t excuses he’s been working on recently will make the difference against Everton on Saturday.
Speaking at his pre-match press conference, the Old Trafford chief was in a forthright mood that, whatever the result on the pitch, he’d find some way of pawning the blame off on someone else ahead of the Toffees’ visit.
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“We’ve been working so hard this week in training,” he said. “You can really see the lads’ desire to think of any old sh*te for me to say when things go badly.”
“Mike [Phelan] got all the classics covered – ‘the ref’s blind’, ‘the VAR must be drunk’, ‘Klopp’s hypnotised the officials’.”
“But we’ve had some really creative ideas too – the noodle partners could give us a few more quid according to Ed [Woodward] for starters, and Paul [Pogba] suggested we blame the hairdresser if things go badly.”
“Luke [Shaw] just said ‘blame Jose. For everything.’”
And club-legend-turned-mediocre-manager says he’s already ahead of the game in this week’s efforts to explain away the inexplicably poor performances of such an expensively assembled team.
“TV, innit?” he said with a shrug. “These TV companies come in here, paying us billions, and they expect to be able to broadcast any old game they like. Unbelievable.”
Shaking his head he continued: “How do they expect Paul to have gotten over his jog to the showers on Wednesday night having stood around for 2 hours watching Villarreal knock it about?”
“Or Diogo [Dalot] to have untangled his legs from the job some lad from Bournemouth did on him in time for a 12:30 Saturday kick-off?”
“It’s ridiculous, but what are you going to do?” he tried to fume, while appearing to mutter “That’s my a*se safe for another week” to United’s press officer.
The United gaffer wasn’t impressed by one squad member’s efforts to make up for the Norwegian’s obvious deficiencies.
“Danny [van de Beek] flung the cup of tea I’d asked him to make and refused to shampoo my Shitzu’s coat before saying I should blame myself.”
“I just handed him a signed DVD of ‘That Night in Barcelona’ and asked him to water all my plants before he leaves. Do that and I might give him a run in the under-23s.”
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