Following an embarrassing home defeat to European minnows FC Sheriff Tiraspol, Real Madrid boss Carlo Ancelotti has called in reinforcements in a bid to get his side back to winning ways.
With many believing a fitness coach or master tactician could help Ancelotti improve his squad, the experienced Italian has opted for something slightly different by turning to Duncan Ferguson, better known as “Big Dunc”, in a hope that the terrifying Scot can scare the players into performing at a higher level.
“Big Dunc will join us from tomorrow with his primary focus being to put the fear of God into those Primadonnas. They’ve taken the p*ss with this defeat so will now suffer the consequences,” confirmed Ancelotti.
“I expect all he will need to do is stand and stare, as this usually does the job. I worked with him at Everton, and in that time saw him throw a player through a window, strangle a referee, punch a mascot, take on 37 Liverpool fans in a street fight and win, boot a ball so hard it just exploded and burst 97 blood vessels in his head through rage.
“Even during his playing days, he made Jimmy Bullard sh*t his pants on the spot just by standing close to him. Nobody dares argue with him, ever.”
Ferguson, who is understood to be on the 15:05 flight from Liverpool John Lennon Airport which is due to land in Madrid at 18:00 local time, has already had a hugely positive impact on the Real Madrid players, with a number of them planning a “welcome committee” followed by an all-night training session.
“We will be greeting him with a huge ‘welcome’ banner, a can of Irn-Bru and cigar,” confirmed Isco.
“Myself, along with Karim, Eden, Rodrygo and Toni are going to do everything we can to stay on his good side. We heard the story about the men who broke into his house, and don’t want to end up in the hospital. Tonight, we will be working on our fitness from 10pm until 4am.”
With many of the squad motivated by the arrival of Ferguson, others have not taken so kindly to the idea. Paddy Power News managed to grab a word with Gareth Bale who had this to say from a secret location.
“I know I will be his primary target because I’m Welsh and do nothing – but if he wants to talk to me, he needs to find out which golf course I’m on first.
“And I’ll have pitching wedge to hand if things escalate.”
**Paddy Power’s breaking news coverage is 100% fake news. And that’s the truth.**
- James Rodriguez: “I’ve always dreamed of playing for Al-Rayyan”
- Breaking: Ted Lasso to replace Koeman as Barcelona boss
- Messi PSG contract includes cleaning toilets & blocking free-kicks
- Paddy’s hall of fame: Punter cash out nabs over £6,000 from 14-leg acca
- Score your Football betting tips and previews at Paddy Power News