Ed Woodward launches £89m transfer raid for Christian Bale

Would be some signing, this.

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Manchester United supremo Ed Woodward has launched an audacious £89m bid for Christian Bale, according to the actor’s agent.

Woodward made a call to Endeavor Talent Agency’s Patrick Whitesell during which he offered to make the Batman star the highest-paid person in the club’s history.

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It’s understood the much-maligned CEO made his move after furious United fans bombarded the club’s social media outlets demanding he sign Bale.

Stumbling across the Oscar-winning actor after a Google search, Woodward spent several days binge-watching Bale’s movies including American Psycho and The Fighter.

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The 48-year-old former investment banker was so impressed by Bale’s performances, he pulled out of talks with Borussia Dortmund winger Jadon Sancho and made the Terminator Salvation star his top transfer priority.

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Speaking to Paddy Power News, Woodward told us: “What have Erling Haaland, Nathan Ake, Jude Bellingham, Jack Grealish, Jadon Sancho and Sergio Reguilon all got in common?

“No, not that I f**ked up their transfer to Man United. None of them have won an Oscar.

“Balesy would bring back the type of acting Old Trafford hasn’t witnessed since Ashley Young was here. A great choice by the fans. I should listen to them more often.”

However, Bale’s agent has denied his client will be starring for Manchester United next season.

“After reading the script, Christian’s decided to pass on this occasion,” he said.

“Let’s put it this way. If Manchester United under Ed Woodward were a movie, it would be Dirty Grandpa but every character would be played by Nicolas Cage. That’s how sh*t it is.”

Rome, ITALY: British actor Christian Bale poses for photographers during the presentation of their film “Batman Begins” in a palace, central Rome, 16 June 2005. AFP PHOTO/ TIZIANA FABI (Photo credit should read TIZIANA FABI/AFP via Getty Images)

Bale himself took to Twitter to distance himself from the project but admitted he would be interested in portraying Gary Neville in a movie adaptation of his rise to the top of Sky Sports’ pundit tree.

A renowned method actor, Bale believes invoking Neville’s quivering moan would be the most challenging aspect of this career-defining role.

“The way Gary goes ‘ooooohweeeeee’ whenever something moderately exciting happens is the essence of the character,” he tweeted.

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