John Bercow is stepping down as the Speaker of the House of Commons at the end of next month; the same day that the UK is due to bail out of Europe, but that’s a debate for another time and another website.
When someone rather cruelly put a computer-generated image of the hair of former Spurs and QPR boss and footballs greatest ever pigeon fancier Gerry Francis, on top of the bonce of Bercow on Twitter recently, it ACTUALLY suited him making him look like an out of work Non-League manager.
John Bercow with the hair of Gerry Francis. pic.twitter.com/0cR7F5RjmP
— Football Manager Hair on Politicians (@visualsatire) August 23, 2019
We reckon, however, that Bercow has the makings to work in English footballs top-flight and after he waves goodbye to Westminster, here’s five Premier League clubs that could benefit from his experience.
Ole Gunnar Solskjær’s time in the hot-seat at Old Trafford can be measured in weeks not months and when (not if) the Norwegian is finally given the boot, United supremo and public enemy number one Ed Woodward could do a lot worse than offer Bercow the keys to the kingdom at M16.
His daily attempt to keep order in a room full of unruly over-paid delinquents in the Commons, makes him the perfect person to sort out the Old Trafford dressing-room and give some of the club’s top wage earners a much needed reality check as the Red Devils fall further and further behind Manchester City, Liverpool and Spurs.
Keeping the new Prime Minister in check at the despatch box would make a board meeting with Woodward and the Glazers seem like an audition for the new presenter’s job on Blue Peter.
Bercow is comfortable sharing a room with pompous upper-class toffs whilst also being able to shoot the breeze in the company of Her Majesty the Queen. The Kings Road then seems like the perfect place for the outgoing Speaker of the House to continue his professional career once he’s cleared out his office in the Commons.
Having listened to debates about Brexit for what seems like the best part of 20 years, he would be able to consult Blues boss Frank Lampard on how to get the best from his team in light of not being able to bring in any imports until at least next summer.
Whilst the rest of the UK sweats on the fact that they won’t be able to buy any bacon after October 31, Bercow can advise Lamps on how to deal with the Irish back-stop so he’s able to bring in at least two new signings in January.
Foreign workers in the UK are uncertain about what the future will hold after October 31 and Wolves have cause to panic more than most, with the Molineux club currently choc-a-bloc with Portuguese players and staff.
If they all decided to pack up and go home before Christmas, there would only be two members of staff left at the Staffordshire side and although Bercow may not be suited to the managers role at the club, his knowledge on negotiating your way around the minefield that is Brexit and its aftermath, could be invaluable for the Old Gold, who really wouldn’t want to have to bring in 24 emergency signings in January whilst at the same time worrying about bringing in a new man for the Molineux hot-seat knowing that Sam Allardyce is still available for work.
As a former Conservative MP, Bercow knows how important it is for the party to appeal to voters north of Watford Gap and having seen the reception the PM got in South Yorkshire this week, the outgoing speaker could fit in nicely at Turf Moor alongside Sean Dyche.
It could be a sort of good cop, bad cop partnership with Bercow taking the role of the latter to break bad news to Clarets fans on subjects like season-ticket price hikes and ticket allocations for away matches whilst covering for Dyche on Match of the Day when the gaffers voice has gone (which is basically after every game).
Fans Forums would be must-see events too, with Bercow going head to head against Burnley fan and former Labour spin doctor Alistair Campbell and Dyche trying to keep the peace by shouting “It’s your job by the way “as the two political titans lock horns down the Dog and Duck.
Bercow currently serves as Member of Parliament for Buckingham so what better time for him to go and help out at his local Premier League club Watford. The Hornets are currently rooted to the bottom of the table having just parted company with Javi Gracia and replaced him with former coach Quique Sanchez Flores.
The club’s Italian owners are doing what all Italian football club owners do; sack a perfectly capable manager, replace him with an equally capable one before sacking him and bringing back the guy who was in charge before him.
Bercow has presided in the Commons since 2009 and has seen British politics shaken to the core with the PM’s office seemingly a revolving door with no one really knowing who is actually running the country. Bercow could head to Italy to speak with (Watford’s owners) the Pozzo family and tell them that this time, if Quique is doing a good job, then stick with him and forget about returning Gracia to the Vicarage Road hot-seat before Christmas.