Welcome to the first installment of Full Tweet W*nkers, football’s most grimace-inducing column since David Davies decided it was a good idea to ghost Glenn Hoddle’s World Cup diary at France 1998.
We’re running with the idea that even dumpster fires need oxygen, so each Monday we’ll be bringing you the previous weekend’s best – by which we mean the worst – sporting hot takes from Twitter’s usual suspects and blue-tick dicks.
As you can imagine, we’re fairly certain this is a reservoir of nonsense that won’t be running dry any time soon…
Anyway, kicking us off this week is a duo we’re pretty sure will become regulars on FTW:
Oh that is so kind of you to give him 2 years. Like who do you think you are the boss of Arsenal ?…. hah you will give him ….. No one gives a sh.. what you think https://t.co/Djzk7A4kAQ
— Lord Sugar (@Lord_Sugar) August 12, 2018
Firstly, mad props to Alan Sugar for somehow managing, simultaneously, to sound like a preppy Californian schoolgirl and a slightly tipsy Carling Dad trying to text while spreadeagled on the couch with a can in one hand and his Nokia 3210 in the other.
Secondly, as Sugar points out, how very magnanimous of Piers to give Unai Emery two seasons and four windows in charge of Arsenal before passing judgement. What a true gentleman – the kind of man who’d never authorise the tapping of another person’s phone.
We’re looking forward to seeing how this tweet ages. Presumably when Arsenal are fourth-from-bottom in November with six goals-for and 20 goals-against Piers will still be affording the Spaniard the same gracious level of patience. Watch this space.
Oh, and here’s some more top insight from Sugar, who seemingly wants a colour ‘banned’ from use in the Premier League:
I would ban the green away kit you cant see the players on the pitch . #banthegreenawaykit
— Lord Sugar (@Lord_Sugar) August 11, 2018
Next up is Duncan Castles, a walking talking rebuttal of the (generally accurate) notion that journalists don’t have an ‘agenda’:
Guardiola’s true-blue purists time wasting at a corner kick on 58 minutes. Then time wasting at a goal kick on 61 minutes. ? #ARSMCI
— Duncan Castles (@DuncanCastles) August 12, 2018
Hmm, to what – or whom – could The Special Dunc possibly be alluding? This is definitely not just a case of Castles, who is José Mourinho’s second-biggest fan (after José Mourinho), taking advantage of even the tiniest and most contrived opportunities to put the boot into Pep Guardiola, the yin to Mourinho’s yang. No sir.
To be fair to Castles – who aside from his bizarre and continued Mourinho mouthpiecery is in fact an excellent journalist – it’s not as if City are one of the most positive, exciting and attacking teams the league has ever seen. I mean, there was that one occasion when they took their time at set-pieces while leading 1-0 away from home to a top six competitor on the first day of the season.
Absolute sham of a team. Catalan Catenaccio. Thanks for helping to expose them, Dunc.
On to a man who, actually, probably shouldn’t be lumped in with the likes of Castles, Sugar and Morgan. But hey-ho, we’re not really sure about this one from Gary:
Tottenham showing that you don’t need loads of new signings to have a winning start to the season. Meanwhile Newcastle showing that you do need loads of signings to have a winning start to the season.
— Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) August 11, 2018
Okay, we get it. It’s a comment on the power of perception when it comes to the spread of narratives. Quite profound. Except, well, meh.
Finally, we drift over to Gammon Corner for some dispatches from the table of Mike Parry, an old-school soldier who is to the ellipsis what Kublai Khan was to the Tran dynasty.
The most utter rubbish decision in the history of football .. Jagielka's recovery was so good .. clearly got the ball first in the ensuing tackle .. outrageous refereeing .. Wolves gifted the free-kick and the goal .. scandalous ..
— Mike Parry (@mikeparry8) August 11, 2018
Mike isn’t one for hyperbole, so there’s no need to fact-check whether or not Craig Pawson punishing Phil Jagielka’s ankle-breaker on Diego Jota with a red card was the ‘most utter rubbish decision in the history of football’. You can just take Mike’s word for it. If raking your studs recklessly down the ankle of a vulnerable opponent is a sending-off offence, well, the game’s gone.
Oh, and there must be some sort of chart detailing the propensity of angry, middle-aged male football supporters to use words like ‘outrageous’ and ‘scandalous’ when describing refereeing decisions with which they don’t agree. That’s a Venn Diagram we imagine is basically just a perfect circle.
Join us next week for more.