“What is more frustrating for me is that it happened many times this season. That is a concerning coincidence for me. On that front, it’s a bit worrying… he saw what he wanted to see and we have to deal with that.”
They are the words of one Arsene Wenger, a man so incensed at Mike Dean’s comical decision to award West Brom a penalty in their clash against Arsenal last week, he sought to question the integrity of referees as a whole in the Premier League.
It’s a line that could well cost the Gunners gaffer his place in the dugout for a few weeks, with a stadium ban notice seemingly ready to drop on his desk any day now.
Not only that, it’s given way to some fresh material for the real Arsenal fanbase – you know, that lot who only really bother going to games on free tickets and spend their days trying to win Arsenal Twitter polls – to concoct a new theory: that the Premier League is instigating an anti-Arsenal agenda.
Pah! What a ridiculous suggestion!
An anti-Arsenal bias?! Come off it! There’s just no way that could be true.
Everyone knows these are the actual conspiracies being played out behind the scenes at the Premier League…
Mike Dean is actually filming the longest prank show in TV history
Think about it: it’s the only logical explanation for the past 18 years of laughable decisions, bizarre behaviour and attention-grabbing histrionics. At least it rationalises Mike Dean’s apparent victimisation of Arsenal; because he does it to everyone else as well.
When Deanie hangs up his whistle once and for all, we fully expect a six-part series on Sky Sports chronicling the behind the scenes story of his journey making a mockery of us all right from the middle of the pitch.
Who knows? Perhaps “You’ve been Dean’d!” will be the new “You got merked!”?
The Premier League is secretly limiting Man Utd’s spending for everyone’s amusement
More precisely, everyone’s amusement at the human version of Grumpy Cat, Jose Mourinho, completely unravelling at yet another club for his miserly transfer budget. Of course, the suits at the Premier League would have had to make this remotely believable, and a whopping £300m neatly ticks that requirement.
Why else would one of the richest sporting outfits in the world not spend more to compete with the likes of Burnley and Southampton?
Deliberately giving the same sh*t managers the same sh*t jobs
Messrs Allardyce, Redknapp, Pardew, Pulis and co, we’re looking at you. For many years it’s felt like a never ending cycle of teams beginning to struggle, sacking their manager and hiring one of the above for a fillip of form to keep them safe before they’re eventually sacked themselves.
Cue the multi-million pound payoff before another familiar face steps off the merry go-round and has their turn in the hot seat. Just think of how much cash must be stowed away in this lot’s bank accounts (or their dog’s, eh, ‘Arry?).
Surely – surely – this lot must be on the Premier League payroll, if only to stop bankrupting the bottom 10 teams in the division every other year.
They intentionally f*ck around the kick-off times with Sky and BT
We suppose that once you’re the biggest league in the world, capturing the attention of billions of fans around the world by raking in even more billions of pounds from sponsors and TV companies, the key objectives for the Premier League are pretty much ticked off.
Their office must be a dull place as a result, so what can they do to spark up some fan interest and debate?
Well, missing their own TV selection deadlines by weeks – triggering outright Twitter rage – before eventually telling Newcastle fans they’ll have to travel to Bournemouth for a 12pm kick-off on a Sunday where there are no trains, planes, cars, or bicycles allowed out of the city should just about do it.