Henderson confirms work in Saudi Arabia done in just 6 months

Job done, and in record time - now when the f**k's the next flight back to England?


Former Liverpool captain Jordan Henderson wants to return to the Premier League after solving all Saudi Arabia’s problems in just six months.

The 33-year-old was heavily criticised when leaving Merseyside for Al Ettifaq in the summer after signing a deal worth a reported £350,000 per week.


However, Henderson told critics his move was purely motivated by a desire to bring about change in the Gulf state, which has been dogged by accusations of human rights abuses.

Announcing his decision to leave Saudi Arabia at a press conference this morning, Henderson told assembled journalists:

‘Well, my work is done here’.

When one journalist challenged Henderson by claiming he’d done nothing to improve conditions in the country, the England star chuckled then asked, ‘Didn’t I?’, before fading into an energy pattern and disappearing.

Upon reassembling in his native Sunderland, the midfielder faced a grilling from the English media about the specific ways he believed he brought change to Saudi Arabia.

‘The first thing I did upon arriving in Dammam was put up a big sign saying, ‘Bahrain 10 minutes this way’ where people could go have a pint of beer and get lashed without the fear of literally being lashed’, Henderson told Paddy Power News.

‘My signing also increased attendances at Al-Ettifaq’s home games from 200 to 201. Although in fairness, that was probably just my wife in the stands’.


‘But my most significant act was smuggling in a consignment of fake moustaches for Saudi women so they could take driving lessons’.

The Champions League winner is hoping to make England’s EURO 2024 squad and boss Gareth Southgate is renowned for selecting players who are playing regularly for their clubs.

It’s understood Henderson has offered his services to a host of sides including Bayern Munich and Juventus.

‘Well, if Jesse Lingard is offering himself to Barca, mate. It’s worth a punt’.

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