Erik ten-Hag has hired AC-12’s Ted Hastings to try to flush out the Manchester United mole.
Stories of dressing-room unrest at Old Trafford have dominated the back pages in recent days and the Dutch tactician is desperate to discover who is leaking the news.
Speaking exclusively to Paddy Power News following his side’s 2-1 home win over Chelsea, ten-Hag revealed:
“We have a rat in the camp and I am determined to find out who the culprit is.
“We need to hire the best to get to the bottom of the problem and in Mr Hastings, I feel we have got the best in the business.
“Paranoia has taken over this place in the past few days. Everyone is suspicious of each other.
“Players are even too scared to leave their jewel-encrusted manbags in the dressing-room in case they are tampered with.
“Though seeing Ted turn up to interview them might get a few of them running for a change.”
Hastings, who recently retired from the police corruption unit, has been enjoying a well-earned rest, fishing in Ireland. When we contacted him this morning for his reaction, he told us:
“Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and the wee donkey, I only got the call late last night!
“I’ve not even had time to get the old team back together. Most of them are out on location, filming other cop shows. Give me a feckin’ chance will ya!”
“All I can tell you now is that Mr Ten Hag has put his faith in me and my team and I will be flying to Manchester later today to set up an incident room in one of the VIP boxes at Old Trafford.
“The only thing I’m interested in, is catching bent coppers…oh… and leaky footballers”
In other Old Trafford news, Ten Hag is ready to lift the media ban imposed on four outlets prior to Wednesday’s victory over Chelsea.
Speaking to Paddy Power News, Ten Hag declared:
“It was a mis-understanding. With all that’s going on I admit I threw the toys out of the pram. I’ve bought a crate of Amstel and invited the guys around to mine tonight so we can clear the air.”
*Paddy Power’s football coverage is pure fantasy – don’t believe it for a second
- Breaking – Guardiola v Carragher added to Joshua-Wilder Saudi Arabia card
- ‘Pep Out’ says Man City fan who started supporting them in 2008
- Next Ireland manager betting: Latest odds on who could replace Stephen Kenny
- Sheffield United to hire man who got them relegated to save them from relegation
- Messi: ‘Too many snakes on this thing’ after Garnacho Insta unfollow