Breaking – Andre Onana signs for Average Joe’s Dodgeball team

He's a dodgeball natural


Manchester United goalkeeper Andre Onana has signed for Average Joe’s Dodgeball team, Paddy Power News can exclusively reveal.

Scouts belonging to the US dodgeball outfit were present during United’s Champions League clash with Galatasaray last night and were highly impressed by the Cameroonian’s ability to evade the ball.

COPENHAGEN, DENMARK – NOVEMBER 08: Andre Onana of Manchester United looks on during the UEFA Champions League match between F.C. Copenhagen and Manchester United at Parken Stadium on November 08, 2023 in Copenhagen, Denmark. (Photo by James Gill – Danehouse/Getty Images)

Average Joe’s CEO Peter LaFleur made an approach to sign the 27-year-old after the game and United chiefs immediately accepted the bid.

Onana will go straight into the Average Joe’s squad for Sunday’s World Dodgeball Championships taking place in Las Vegas.

‘The way Andre dodged those Hakim Ziyech free-kicks was reminiscent of the time I swerved Goodman’s throw in the sudden-death match whilst blindfolded’, LaFleur told Paddy Power News.

‘You can tell that Andre has done some extensive wrench dodging training.

‘It’ll go down as one of the all-time greatest dodge-balling performances in Champions League history.

‘Right up there with Hugo Lloris’ when Spurs got pumped 7-2 by Bayern Munich’.

Upon hearing the news Onana had signed for Average Joe’s on the eve of the World Dodgeball Championships, colour commentator for the tournament Pepper Brooks said:

‘It’s a bold strategy, let’s see if it pays off’.

Meanwhile, the search for Onana’s replacement at Old Trafford is underway with several big names being linked with the Red Devils.

It’s understood United officials have sent proposals to Newcastle United understudy Loris Karius, former Reds star Massimo Taibi and Hollywood actor Sylvester Stallone who played a goalkeeper in the 1981 sports war film Escape to Victory.

When asked if the links with United’s vacant No1 jersey were true, Stallone said:

‘Gee, I dunno if I’m cut out for it, you know? I’m 77, I’m like an old guy now, you know’.

‘But there is a fine young Spanish goalkeeper maybe they should take a look at? I can’t remember his name, maybe my memory’s not so good anymore, you know? He plays for Liverpool. Don’t tell me, it’ll come to me. I got it. His name is ADRIAN. ADRIIIIAAAN’.

*Paddy Power’s football coverage is pure fantasy – don’t believe it for a second

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