A letter written by Burnley Football Club demanding Everton be docked a further 50 points on top of the 10 handed to them last week has found its way into the hands of the press.
In a bid to stay in the topflight despite being one of the worst teams to ever grace the division, Paddy Power News understands a fifty-page dossier was submitted to Premier League chiefs earlier today, outlining reasons why various clubs deserve to be deducted points.
“It’s basically a letter from the Burnley Chairman telling us they are too sh*t to get out of trouble themselves and would like us to intervene in the situation as if we were VAR on a regular Saturday afternoon,” confirmed a source close to the Premier League board of directors.
Excerpts from the document have been leaked to the press which included the following:
On Everton: “It’d be proper mint if they got relegated and had to play the likes of Plymouth and Rotherham every weekend in that new stadium they don’t shut up about.”
On Luton: “How you’ve even allowed a pub side in the Premier League is beyond me, they’re sh*te.”
On Sheffield United: “We’ll sign Carlos Tevez just to wind them up. The ensuing 22-man brawl at Bramall Lane should result in a serious penalty for them.”
On Chelsea: “They’d spend billions on Championship and League One players just to get back up. Relegating Chelsea could save grass roots football.”
On Arsenal: “Arteta never stays in his technical area and is the most annoying man in football. Just dock him 100 points, not Arsenal, just him.”
All Premier League clubs mentioned in the document have declined to comment.
Meanwhile, Burnley boss Vincent Kompany has won a style icon gong at the North-West Football Manager Appreciation Awards.
Presented by football legend and fashionista Tony Pulis, Kompany won the “best cap” award, given to a manager who will absolutely wear a baseball cap with literally any outfit no matter the date, the time, the season, the situation, the weather or how ridiculous he looks.
“I’m delighted to finally pass the baton,” Pulis said.
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