Interim Man United chief Patrick Stewart to steady starship til the end of the season

We're expecting Man United to hit rock bottom at warp speed


Patrick Stewart has been appointed Manchester United’s new chief executive on an interim basis by the club’s Kling-on owners the Glazer family.

United want the Shakespearean actor to ‘steady the starship’ until the end of the season after it was announced that current CEO Richard Arnold is stepping down from his position at the end of December.

LAS VEGAS – AUGUST 14: Actor Patrick Stewart (L), who played the character Capt. Jean-Luc Picard on the television series “Star Trek: The Next Generation,” surprises actor William Shatner, who played Capt. James T. Kirk in the original Star Trek series and films, during Shatner’s appearance at the Star Trek convention at the Las Vegas Hilton August 14, 2005 in Las Vegas, Nevada. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)

Arnold will leave the club after less than two years in the role and with United still lightyears behind their rivals Liverpool and Manchester City.

Presenting Stewart to the world’s media at Carrington today, United co-owner Joel Glazer lifted the 83-year-old’s hand aloft and shouted:

‘To infinity and beyond’.

When asked what he hoped the team would achieve during his brief stint as United’s CEO, Stewart said:

‘I want our players to boldly go where none of them has gone before – the opposition’s f**king penalty area’.

While many within football view Stewart’s appointment as a gamble, he has the overwhelming support of many Star Trek fans.

‘I don’t know much about soccer but if Ed Woodward can be Man Utd’s chief exec, then so can the captain of the Starship Enterprise’, one 43-year-old man wearing Spock ears told Paddy Power News.

‘Live long and prosper, Patrick’, said another doing a Vulcan salute.

However, not all Trekkies were thrilled by the news.

‘Mah neh Glazers out, jatlh mah neh Glazers out’, yelled a green and gold scarf wearing fan in Klingon.

Meanwhile, Dr Leonard ‘Bones’ McCoy has rejected Sir Jim Ratcliffe’s offer to become United’s club doctor.

The club are on the lookout for a new medic after recently parting ways with Dr. Nicholas ‘Nick’ Riviera M.D who introduced MMA as part of players’ post-match recoveries this season.

When presented with United’s injury list by Ratcliffe, McCoy reportedly snapped:

‘For God’s sake Jim, I’m a doctor not a miracle worker’.

    *Paddy Power’s football coverage is pure fantasy

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