France midfielder Paul Pogba has been ruled out of the upcoming World Cup, his witch doctor has confirmed.
Pogba has not played for Juventus since re-joining on a free this summer, having dislocated an eyelash during pre-season.
The 29-year-old flew out to see the same specialist witch doctor he allegedly asked to place a curse on France colleague Kylian Mbappe.
After a rigorous series of spells and herbal potions, the witch doctor delivered the devastating news.
‘It’s true. Paul will miss the World Cup in Qatar. Which is a shame for him because he all know how much Paul likes to winter in the Persian Gulf’, the witch doctor told Paddy Power News.
‘Keep an eye on Paul’s social media channels where he’ll be posting the usual sh*te about coming back stronger and dabbing. Lots of dabbing’.
Shortly after the witch doctor made the announcement, Mathias Pogba posted a video on Instagram in which he made “explosive new revelations” about his younger brother.
‘Paul is not missing the World Cup because of injury. He is missing the tournament because he is part of a huge global conspiracy involving Bill Gates, big pharma, interstellar lizards in rubber human suits and 5G masts’, claimed Mathias.
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‘While his teammates kick off the defence of their crown against Australia on November 22nd, Paul will be conspiring with shape-shifting reptilian humanoids from the Alpha Draconis star system to overthrow the US government’.
‘He also asked his witch doctor to place a curse on Liverpool FC after he got injured during a 4-0 at Anfield which turned out to be his last ever game for Manchester United’.
‘That is why they have been dog sh*te this season’.
In related news, Juventus have asked video game publisher Activision to cover a portion of Paul Pogba’s salary after it was announced the midfielder would appear as a playable character in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare II.
‘Pogba’s made more appearances as a space marine as he has in Serie A’, said a Juve spokesperson.
*Paddy Power’s breaking news coverage is just complete nonsense, every word of it. Honest.
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